


The Trauma From The Lockdown

by Mae01



Series: Marauders Modern AU [21]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Best Friends, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Sirius Black/Remus Lupin, Fanfiction, Fluff, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Marauders Friendship (Harry Potter), Modern Marauders (Harry Potter), Platonic Female/Male Relationships, Remus Lupin & Lily Evans Potter Friendship, The Golden Trio, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-11
Updated: 2021-02-11
Packaged: 2021-03-18 06:15:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 25,908
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29363859
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mae01/pseuds/Mae01
Summary: There was a school shooting at Hogwarts High School and Harry is dealing with the trauma. His family and friends don't know how to help him."The school is now in lockdown. I repeat the school is in lockdown. This is not a drill, please follow the lockdown protocol."Harry felt like he couldn’t breathe. He was in the washroom and there was a lockdown happening.
Relationships: Harry Potter & James Potter & Lily Evans Potter, Hermione Granger & Harry Potter & Ron Weasley, James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Remus Lupin & Harry Potter, Remus Lupin & James Potter, Remus Lupin & Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black & Harry Potter, Sirius Black & James Potter, Sirius Black & Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black & Remus Lupin & Harry Potter, Sirius Black & Remus Lupin & Harry Potter & James Potter & Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black & Remus Lupin & James Potter & Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Series: Marauders Modern AU [21]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2138295
Comments: 1
Kudos: 34





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING: This story involves a school shooting and hopelessness thoughts. If this trigger you, do not read. I am in no way romanticizing trauma or school shootings. I have my own fair share of trauma but I will not pretend to have any idea how terrifying being in a school shooting is. I wrote this as a story about bringing a family closer together. Please do not think that I wrote this knowing what it would feel like. I took my own experiences and applied them to Harry and his family as a family hurt/comfort story.
> 
> This is a stand-alone work. There are other stories in the universe, but you do not need to read other stories to understand this one.
> 
> I do not own any Harry Potter characters all characters belong to JK Rowling.

“So,” Hermoine started. “Have you both started studying for our exams next week?”

“Does listening to you talk about the tests count?” Harry retorted with a laugh and Ron laughed with him.

Harry, Ron and Hermione have been best friends for the past five years. They met each other when they were 11 and immediately clicked when they were assigned as table partners. Now, they were in grade 10 and they still hung out all of the time. Hermione was the brains of their friendship. She made sure Harry and Ron finished their homework and studied for tests. Harry was the brawns of the group and made sure that they always took breaks and hung out outside or played a game of soccer. Harry had first started soccer when he was five and since then he has been in love with the sport. When he wasn’t studying with his friends or at school, Harry was kicking a soccer ball somewhere whether that be at a practice, game or just in his backyard. Ron was the jokester of the gang. He was always keeping their spirits up and always making sure that the group had something to eat. They all loved each other and they were thankful for their friendship.

“You both are going to fail the exams if you don’t study!”

“Mione, we will study this weekend. It’s only July 13, our first exam isn’t until the 19th.” Ron said as he quickly shoved a granola bar in his mouth. “Anyways, I have to get to math class, I’ll text you both tonight and we can figure out where we will meet for homework after school tomorrow. See ya!” As Ron ran off, Hermione turned to Harry and started to talk.

“I’ve got to get to chemistry, you have a free period now?”

“I do,” Harry replied. “I’ll probably head to the library but I’ll walk you to your class and stop by the washroom on my way back.” 

As they walked together, they continued to talk until they reached the classroom and Harry turned back down the hallways as he heard the bell ring. As he finished in the washroom, he started washing his hands when he heard the PA system activate.

_ The school is now in lockdown. I repeat the school is in lockdown. This is not a drill, please follow the lockdown protocol. _

Harry felt like he couldn’t breathe. He was in the washroom and there was a lockdown happening. He didn’t know what was causing them to go into lockdown but it wasn’t a drill and he was terrified. He quickly grabbed his bag and ran to the furthest stall and climbed up on the toilet. He placed his backpack on this lap and he took his phone out of it and turned it on silent. This wasn’t a drill. Something was going wrong and Harry was alone. He didn’t have the safety of a math or chemistry classroom or the safety of the librarian. Harry was completely alone and he was terrified. Crossing his arms on his bag and laid his head down, Harry tried to remember what his teachers said after drills.  _ Stay silent and don’t use your phone to text, call, or distract you.  _ Okay. His phone was on silent and he had put it back in his backpack so he couldn’t be tempted to see if Ron and Hermione knew what was happening. What else was he supposed to do? All of his 15 years of life he thought of lockdowns as a rare thing that wouldn’t happen at his school. Even if he thought it would happen, he assumed he would be with someone.  _ If you hear the fire alarm go off, do not move. This is what someone would pull to get people out of their rooms. Do not listen to it. Ignore it.  _ No fire bell had been pulled, or at least not yet.  _ Do not cover your ears. As much as you may want to try to block everything out, you need to be able to hear any instructions if something happens.  _ Harry didn’t cover his ears but he wanted to. He couldn’t hear anything going on, but that terrified him. His school was in a lockdown and it was dead quiet.

BANG

It’s a shooter… There was a shooter in the school and Harry was alone in the bathroom. Tears were silently falling down his face as he tried to keep his breathing even. There was a shooter in the school and there was nothing to protect Harry if he was found. Harry stayed silent and talked to his family in his head. Maybe if he could pretend that they were with him, he would be okay.

_ Hey, Mum? I’m scared. I wish you were here with me. I’m all alone and I’m scared.  _ What would his mum say? She would probably tell him to take a deep breathe and count to ten, so Harry did.

_ Hey, Dad? What would you do if you were here with me?  _ What would his dad do? Maybe he would hold Harry’s hand, so Harry grabbed his own hand and pretended it was his dad’s.

_ Uncle, Padfoot? What would you do if you were in this situation by yourself?  _ What would his Uncle Padfoot do? He would probably try to think positive, so Harry tried to do that. He tried to think of what he would do when the police found him and gave him the okay to leave.

_ Uncle, Moony? What would you wish you do if you knew you were going to die and weren’t able to say anything to your family before?  _ If Uncle Moony heard him ask that, he would tell Harry that he would write a letter and if he died then there would be something for his family. So Harry took a pen out of his pocket and wrote on a piece of toilet paper ‘I love you Mom, Dad, Uncle Padfoot, Uncle Moony, Ron and Hermione. I love you and I’m scared.’

_ Ron? What would you tell me if you were here to lighten the mood?  _ Ron was the person he needed to lighten this mood just enough to breathe. What would Ron say? He would probably say to not eat anything because the shooter would hear and want you to share. Ron might not say that, but that was what Harry wanted to believe Ron would say.

_ Hermione? What would you do to stop overthinking?  _ Hermione would give him good advice and tell him to not overthink, but what would she say to do instead? Maybe she would tell him to think of soccer. Think of soccer and think about the next time you will play soccer. He could do that, Harry could think of playing soccer.

Harry didn’t know how long he had been sitting there, but he was terrified and he wanted this nightmare to be over. He wanted it all to be over but his breath caught in his throat as he heard the bathroom door open. Could this be it? Maybe this is the police and they have come to get him? He sat still and closed his eyes. He could hear the footsteps and he could hear the other person breathing. Harry wanted to believe that this was a police officer, but he knew it wasn’t. This was the man that had a gun. This man had a gun and all Harry had was a backpack and a message written on toilet paper in his hand.

“If anyone is in here,” the deep voice started. “You should speak up. Maybe I’ll spare you or maybe I won’t. But this is your warning. If someone is in here and doesn’t say anything, I won’t hesitate to shoot you when I find you.”

Was this a test? Was this a tactic or if Harry spoke up would he maybe have a chance to live? Before Harry could decide on what to do, a sound came from the hallway. He heard the footsteps stop right in front of the stall next to his.  _ Please please turn around. Please don’t come any closer. Please just turn around and leave.  _ Harry could see as one of the shooter’s feet left the ground. It felt like everything was in slow-mode. As the foot left the ground, Harry could see the man put his foot back down and turn towards the washroom door.  _ Please, please keep going. Please go into the hall. Please let the police be out there and please let them catch this man.  _ The man kept going and stopped right before he left the washroom. A loud bang filled the washroom as Harry watched a bullet get shot right in front of the entrance to the stall he was in. Harry managed to not jump, move, or make any sound. He watched as the bullet rolled into the stall he was in after it hit the floor and then the wall. The washroom door opened and the man left. Harry could feel his heart beating in his throat and ears and could taste the blood from his lip that he hadn’t realized he was biting. Harry sat there on the toilet for what felt like hours. He didn’t know what was going on. He had heard more shots and he had heard yelling but didn’t know what the words were that were being yelled. Was the man gone or did he have friends that he met up with? Harry didn’t know but he was scared.

Harry didn’t know what to do, so he started counting to pass the time. He started counting and he made it to 100. When he made it to 100, he started back at one. Tears were still falling down his face and his lip was still bleeding. Harry’s hands were bleeding from where he had dug his fingernails. Harry didn’t feel any pain from his lip or his hands, but he could feel his head throbbing and his heart in his throat and ears still. Harry counted to 100 at least 15 times before he lost track of how many times he had counted to 100. At some point, he heard the bathroom door open. Was this the police or was the guy back? What had happened? It had been at least 25 minutes since Harry started counting but what had happened during that time. A voice spoke up.

“Hello?”

Harry couldn’t respond. It was a different voice but maybe this man had a gun as well.

“My name is Officer Moody. I am with the police. The shooter had been caught and we are now evacuating the school.”

Harry could hear the man opening the washroom stall doors one by one but Harry didn’t respond. What if this man was actually another shooter and just wanted Harry to speak up so he could find him quicker? Harry stayed silent as he saw the boots of the man approach his stall door and stop in front of the bullet hole in the floor. Time seemed to slow down as the boots turned to face the stall door and the sound of the stall handle being pulled filled the washroom. Before Harry could say anything, he saw something slide on the ground under the stall before the voice started talking again.

“Hey, kid. That is my badge. I am a police officer and we are looking for Harry James Potter. He is the only kid we haven’t accounted for yet. Everybody else is safe and accounted for. No one got hurt. I cannot open the stall door from the outside. If you are not hurt, can you pick up my badge? Pick up the badge so you can see it’s real.”

Harry slowly felt his senses coming back and he silently put his bag on the floor and climbed off the toilet. He reached down and picked up the badge and the bullet that hit the floor. It was right beside the badge.

“You’re doing good, kid. Can you unlock the door? I know you’re scared but I’m here to help. As soon as you open the door, we can make our way outside. Your parents and uncles are out there waiting for you. I think your friends are waiting with them as well.”

Harry quietly unlocked the door and pulled it open. He knew his tears were still falling down his face and he jumped when he heard the bathroom door open again.

“Officer Moody?” A female voice questioned.

“Tonks, I’ve got Mr Harry Potter here.” Without another word, Harry looked up to see a young female officer walk into the washroom and visibly relax when she saw Harry.

“Perfect. Everybody is outside and we have a couple of officers trying to hold back his parents and uncles.” With a nod of his head, Officer Moody turned to Harry and started talking.

“Alright, kid. I’m going to pick up your bag and carry it for you,” Leaning down, he picked up the boy's bag and his eye caught the sight of the toilet paper in his hand and the bullet before giving Harry a questioning look. “Would you like me to put those in the garbage for you?” Harry shook his head. “Would you like to put them in your pocket?” Harry nodded his head and gently placed the toilet paper and the bullet in his pocket before clenching and unclenching his hands. Tonks and Moody looked at each other with sad looks before Tonks spoke up.

“Harry? Would you be okay if I put my arm around your shoulder so Officer Moody and I can guide you out?” With a reluctant nod of Harry’s head, Officer Tonks put her arm slowly around his shoulder before the three of them started walking out of the bathroom.

Harry didn’t know what was going on or what was happening. He barely remembers slowly walking out of the washroom and eventually making it outside where all of the voices blended together and overwhelmed him. Harry remembers leaning his head against Officer Tonks shoulder at some point, but he doesn’t know exactly when that was. He kept his eyes at his feet and at some point passed from Officer Tonks arms into a group hug of who he assumed were his parents and uncles.

Harry doesn’t remember walking to the back of an ambulance to get his lip and hands checked out, but he somehow got there. He doesn’t remember being hugged by Ron and Hermione, but he knew it happened. Harry doesn’t remember much of the rest of the day. It felt like a blur and he was okay with that. He didn’t care that he wasn’t talking or feeling anything. He didn’t know how to process anything that happened. Harry didn’t know what happened to the shooter but he remembers that one of the officers said that no one got hurt. Harry didn’t know what time the lockdown happened at and he didn’t know when he finally left school. Harry doesn’t remember how he got home or how he got into bed, but he knows it happened when he woke up and his clock said it was 7 am. He was still in yesterday’s clothes but he didn’t care. Everything felt like a dream. He stayed in bed and stared at the wall, wanting to just fall back asleep and not think.

Lily and Remus were working at The Order while their husbands had the day off. It was a quiet day so they were just sitting around waiting for someone to come in. While there were talking, they saw some police cars, ambulances, and a fire truck drive by with their sirens on.

“Wow,” Lily said. “I wonder what that’s about. I hope everyone is okay.”

“Me too,” Remus replied. “It’s not very often we see that many emergency vehicles going to one place.” As Remus finished his comment, a customer walked in and Remus greeted them “Hello, what can I get you?”

“Just a medium vanilla latte please.”

“Of course.” As the customer paid, Lily started making their drink. Once it was made, the man took it and sat down at a table in the corner and Lily and Remus started talking again. Twenty minutes later, the customer left and James and Sirius ran into The Order.

“Woah,” Lily said. “Where’s the fire?” When neither men said anything but grabbed Remus’s and Lily’s sweaters and started locking the doors, Remus and Lily shared a look.

“Padfoot? Prongs? What’s going on?”

“Lily, there’s an active shooter at Hogwarts high school.” This comment from James caused Lily and Remus to freeze. “We are closing the shop and we are going over there. Police-”

“That’s what all the emergency vehicles were for?” Remus whispered.

“Yes,” Sirius replied as he handed Lily and Remus their sweaters. “They have already set up a barrier and parents are heading over. Let’s go!”

The Marauders piled in the car and drove to the school. Police were already at the entrances and making their way into the school. Finding Harry's best friends’ parents, the Marauders went and stood by them and waited. It was 20 minutes before there was any movement from the school, but eventually, they saw a man in handcuffs being escorted out of the building by police and a police officer making his way to stand in front of the crowd before he started yelling.

“We ask that everyone stay behind the barrier when kids start coming out! They need to be accounted for before they go to their guardians. Police will be going in and escorting classrooms and rooms out one at a time. Please be patient. After they have been checked off, they can come to meet you. Please try to remain calm and quiet so we can make sure everyone is accounted for and safe. Thank you!”

When the police officer had stopped talking, the parents could see as students started to be led out of the school to meet with the officer checking off names before they would run to see their parents. The Marauders watched as groups of students were greeted by their parents. They watched as Fred and George ran to their parents as two members of the first classroom released. Five minutes later, Hermione ran out and stood with her family looking around for Ron and Harry. Hermione’s parents told her to get in the car but she refused to leave without seeing Ron and Harry. Another five minutes later Ginny ran out as well as Ron. Time passed and everyone seemed to be accounted for except for Harry Potter. Families started to leave but the Weasley and Granger families stayed beside the Marauders and waited. 

“Where is Harry?” Lily questioned quietly. “Why hasn’t he been brought out yet? What class was he in?” She said when she turned towards his friends.

“Harry had a free period. He told me he was planning on going to the library,” Hermione said with tears in her eyes.

“Lil’s,” James said, “Take deep breaths. The police are still inside, they will find him.”

The group stood quietly as the parking lot slowly continued to empty as families left. Some families stayed and stood with the last group who was waiting for Harry. The vice-principal, McGonagall, stood beside the Marauders with her hands on Remus’ and Lily’s shoulders. She had been the vice-principle when the group of friends were attending the school and she had formed a deep relationship with them. She stood beside them silently praying for Harry to walk out of the school.

It was 20 minutes later when they saw two officers walking out of the school with their son in one of their arms. When they saw Harry, Lily and James broke down in relieved sobs. When Officer Tonks brought him to the family, she told them that he wasn’t hurt and was found in one of the washrooms. After explaining that he needed to get checked over by the EMTs, she gave her goodbye for leaving them alone. Harry was given hugs by everybody, but he never raised his head from the ground. He got checked over by the EMTs and after disinfecting his bleeding lip and hands, they let him go. The Marauders, Hermione and Ron tried asking Harry questions, but he either didn’t hear them or didn’t want to answer because he didn’t say anything. They had no idea what happened, but the EMTs told them that it was probably just shock but he should be okay once it wore off.

The family took Harry home and tried to talk to him but he wouldn’t say anything or eat anything. They had arrived home around 5:30 pm and by 7:00 pm they had managed to get Harry to eat a banana before Lily led him to his bedroom and tucked him in. When she had come back downstairs, the remaining adults sat on the couches in the living room.

“Did he say anything when you put him to bed?” Sirius questioned Lily.

“No, he didn’t look at me and he didn’t make any indication he even heard me. What are we supposed to do?”

“I don’t know,” James said. “Maybe he will start talking tomorrow?”

“And if he doesn’t?”

“Then I don’t know.”

James and Lily were sitting curled up into each other on the couch while Remus and Sirius were curled up on the loveseat across from them. None of them knew what to say. They don’t know what happened to Harry while he was in school and they don’t know how to help him.

“Would you like us to go home?” Remus questioned. “Do you want us to come back tomorrow or do you want us to stay with you? Whatever you need we will do it.”

“Can you guys stay in the guest bedroom for the night?” James asked. “We don’t know what we are supposed to do and Harry might need us all. We can discuss what to do tomorrow night.”

“Of course, Prongs. Remus and I will be here if you need or want us here.”

The group sat in silence until Lily made her way up to the bedroom and the rest followed and went to bed. They hoped that Harry would be talking in the morning, but they didn’t know what to expect. All the group knew was that Harry was found in the washroom. They knew Harry was physically okay besides his hands and lip, but they didn’t know if he was mentally or emotionally okay. The family could only hope that Harry would be okay soon.

When Lily and James woke up in the morning, they went downstairs to see that coffee had been made. They said good morning to Remus and Sirius before pouring themselves some coffee and sitting across from them. They quietly drank their coffee before James spoke up.

“We received an email that exams are cancelled and school is off for summer now. I guess they decided to give the kids their final grades as what they are before any final exams.”

“Harry will be happy about that,” Sirius said. “Hermione, however, will be upset over it.” The group nodded in agreement.

“Have either of you seen Harry this morning? It’s 9 am,” Lily said while looking at her phone. 

“No,” Remus responded. “We’ve been down here since 7:30 and we haven’t seen him. Do you want us to start making some pancakes and you can go check on him? We made the batter earlier and the stove has been heating up so we can start cooking them right away.”

Lily and James looked at each other before nodding and standing up. As they made their way out of the kitchen, they slowly walked up the stairs and stood outside of their son’s room. James gave Lily a soft kiss on the forehead before lightly knocking on the door and waiting for a reply. When no reply came, James knocked again. When no answer still came, James turned the handle and held the door open for his wife to walk in after him. When they turned on the light, they saw their son laying on his bed with his eyes open and staring at the wall beside him.

“Hey, honey,” Lily said softly. “Uncle Moony and Uncle Padfoot are making some breakfast downstairs. Can you come down and eat?” The look in her son’s eyes made her worry. There was no emotion behind them and there weren’t even any tears. Harry still wouldn’t look at her, but he pushed himself up off the bed and stood up.

Getting the feeling that Harry would follow them, James and Lily turned around and walked out of the door before turning to see if Harry was following. When they saw him start to walk, they made their way downstairs. As Sirius and Remus heard the family coming down the stairs, they looked up hopefully at James and Lily but they shook their heads subtly when Harry came in.

“There’s some coffee on the table if you would like, Harry,” Remus said. Harry didn’t respond but he went and sat down at the table. Five minutes later, There was a stack of pancakes on the table and everyone was sitting down. As they dished up, they saw that Harry made no move to put any food on his plate so James put two pancakes on his plate for him. The family ate quietly and subtly watched Harry slowly eat one of the pancakes. Deciding to tell Harry what the school told her in hopes that Harry would say something, Lily started speaking.

“Harry?” They all waited for a reply, but when there was none then Lily continued. “The school sent out an email and they have cancelled exams and the last week of school. There is no school until September.” The adults all hoped that Harry would make some witty comment about getting out of exams as he had always hoped for exams to be cancelled, but he didn’t. They hoped he would even just mutter and ‘okay,’ but that didn’t happen. Harry finally finished one of his pancakes and slightly pushed his plate away from him but stayed sitting. “Are you all done, Harry?” Seeing the slightest nod come from her son, Lily took the plate back to the counter. When Harry made a move to stand, James started talking.

“Harry? Can you please stay sitting?” Harry stopped for a moment before sitting back down in his chair and continued to look at his lap. “We need you to talk to us. We can’t help you if you don’t tell us what we can do to help.” As everyone waited for a response, they realized that they weren’t going to get one. Sensing this, Lily excused herself before James got up and followed her. Only Harry, Remus and Sirius stayed at the table. Neither of his uncles knew what to say and Harry knew that. He knew that they were both internally debating about what to bring up but weren’t sure what to say. After a minute, James and Lily came back in and sat down.

“Harry, love,” Lily started. “Is there anything you would like us to do? Do you want to go somewhere for the day or do you want to play some games? Is there anything you would like to do? Anything at all? We can all play a game or two of soccer, it’s nice and warm outside.” 

Harry could hear the hope in her voice. Harry had always tried to get his mom to play soccer with them but she always preferred watching. In all honesty, she was awful at soccer. Harry could hear the hope that he would agree to a game of soccer or want to go somewhere, but he honestly didn’t want to. Harry just wanted to go back to his room and sit there. With a shake of his head, he made an attempt to stand up again and hoped nobody would stop him. When nobody said anything, Harry walked back up to his room.


	2. Chapter 2

When Harry got back to his room, he closed his door and opened his backpack to grab his phone. When he checked his notifications, he saw that he had a lot of messages from his friends. 

The Golden Trio (group chat)

( **Hermione** /  _ Ron  _ /  Harry )

July 13th (yesterday)

3:15 pm:  **Harry? Ron? I know I obey rules like I’ll die if I don’t and right now I could die for not listening, but I don’t care. I know neither of you are supposed to look at your phones because we are in a lockdown, but I love you both. I love you both so much and please please come out safe.**

3:45 pm:  **It’s over. I’m outside with our parents. The police are unlocking classrooms and escorting people out. I need you both here.**

3:50 pm:  _ Harry, we are waiting for you in the parking lot. They can’t find you, and we are really worried. Please, please be safe and if you are reading this just come out. Nobody will be mad for not waiting for a police officer. Please come out, man. We need to know you are okay. _

6:30 pm:  **How are you both doing? I’ve made it home and my parents won’t let me out of their sight.**

6:32 pm:  _ I’m alright, my parents are the exact same. We have all been in the living room since we got home. Bill and Charlie are coming home though, so that’s nice. _

6:40 pm:  **Harry? How are you doing?**

7:00 pm:  _ Harry? You okay, man? _

9:30 pm:  **Well, I hope you are getting some sleep, Harry. If you need us, we are here.**

9:31 pm:  _ Sleep well, man. Let us know if you need anything. _

July 14th (today)

7:30 am:  _ Mione! Harry! Final exams have been cancelled and school for next week is also cancelled! See what can happen when you procrastinate? Harry and I didn’t spend 10 hours studying this past week for nothing :) _

7:35 am:  **Well, at least I know that I know the basics for next year!**

7:36 am:  _ Good job thinking of the positives! Harry, man, how are you doing this fine fine morning? _

7:37 am:  **Ron, what makes this morning a ‘fine fine’ morning?**

7:38 am:  _ The news that we have no final exams and an extra week of summer? _

8:00 am:  _ Harry? You have never slept past 8 even on a weekend… can you at least let us know you are okay? _

8:15 am:  **Harry? We are getting quite worried. Do you have time for a FaceTime this morning? How about 11? Does that work for you, Ron?**

8:16 am:  _ 11 works for me! _

10:00 am:  Today doesn’t work for me, sorry.

10:01 am:  **Harry! It’s nice to hear from you. Does a better time work for you?**

10:01 am:  _ Harry! How are you feeling? Is there a better time later that works? _

10:03 am:  Sorry, I’m really not up for it today. I’ll talk to you both later.

10:04 am:  _ Okay… Text us if you need anything. Love you, man. _

10:04 am:  **Okay. Please talk to us when you’re ready. Let us know if you need us.**

  
  


Once Harry had replied to his friends, he left his phone on silent and plugged it in to charge. When he sat down on his bed, he pulled out the crumpled piece of toilet paper from his pocket and read it over and over again.

_ ‘I love you Mom, Dad, Uncle Padfoot, Uncle Moony, Ron and Hermione. I love you and I’m scared.’ _

He thought that his last words to his family would be what was written in front of him. Those should have been his last words. He couldn’t bring himself to say anything out loud and he wasn’t sure why. It wasn’t that he was mad, he was just confused. He shouldn’t have been alive today. That man should have found him and should have shot him. Did that man know he was in that stall? If he didn’t know, then why would he have shot in front of the stall Harry was in? But if he did know, why did he settle for shooting the ground and not shooting Harry? Harry didn’t know and he was scared to know. Harry didn’t want to talk to anyone, he knew that if he talked then he would have to tell everybody what happened and he wasn’t ready. Harry shouldn’t be alive but he was and every time he closes his eyes, he can see the shoes of the shooter and can see the bullet hole in front of him. When Harry closed his eyes, he felt like he was back in that tiny stall and he could remember the feeling of his heartbeat in his ears and throat and he could feel how heavy it felt to breathe. Why was Harry alive? If it wasn’t for the noise in the hallway at the exact moment it happened, Harry should have been shot. Harry sat in his room and stared at what he wrote in that tiny stall. There was one dried tear stain that landed on it when he was in the stall. When the first teardrop landed on it, Harry had moved it out of the way so his family would be able to read it when they received it. After the man had left the washroom, Harry saw that he had got some blood on the toilet paper from the wounds in his hands. After that, Harry held the message by his fingers until the officer asked if he wanted to put it in his pocket. Harry put it in his pocket because this was all he did when he sat in the tiny stall while he was thinking he was going to die two weeks before he turned 16. Harry didn’t want anyone to know about this note but he didn’t want to throw it away. Whenever someone would check on him, he would put it back in his pocket, hide it under his pillow, shove it up his sleeve or put it in his bedside drawer.

Harry kept the bullet in his drawer beside his bed. He wasn’t ready to look at it yet, but he couldn’t throw it out either. This was the thing that should have taken his life away but it didn’t.

Harry stayed in his room all day until his Uncle Moony brought him up a banana for lunch and sat with him to make sure he ate it. Remus tried to get Harry to talk, but it ended up just being him talking to himself and hoping Harry would say something, laugh a little bit, give a small smile or even just look up from his lap. When Harry had finished the banana five minutes later, Remus took the peel and left his room. A couple of hours later his dad came up and brought him downstairs for supper. The adults tried again to get Harry to talk, but he said nothing. After Harry was let go from the table, the adults continued to sit at the table in silence until someone would decide to break the silence. 

“So,” Lily started, “what do we do?”

“Do we take away his phone?” James questioned the occupants of the room. When he saw the looks on everyone's faces, he elaborated. “None of us know what he is doing in his room. If we take his phone away, would that encourage him to be with us or would he distance himself more?”

“Don’t take the phone away,” Remus said. “I know Harry and I did not go through the same thing, but when I stopped talking and my parents took my phone away, it made things worse. When they took my phone away to try to encourage me to talk, I lost my only way of contacting Lily. If his phone is taken away, we could be taking away his form of contact. How about we call the Weasleys and see how their kids are doing? That can give us at least a bit of a gauge as to how Harry is doing compared to the others.” The group looked at each other and thought about it before Lily pulled out her phone and put it quietly on speaker.

( **Bold is Mrs Weasley** /  _ Italic is Lily _ )

**“Hello?”**

“ _ Hi, Molly. It’s Lily here. _ ”

“ **Oh hello, dear. How are you doing?** ”

“ _ I am okay. Hey, you are on speakerphone with me, James, Remus and Sirius. We just had some questions for you. _ ”

“ **Of course. Is everything alright?** ”

“ _ Not really. We were wondering how your kids are dealing with everything that happened at school that day? _ ”

“ **Alright. Let me just get to a quieter place. All of the family is in the living room and I don’t think they need to hear this. Alright, that’s better. Ginny is okay, she is a little bit shaken up because they heard gunshots a couple of times. Other than being a little shaken up, she is good. Fred and George are alright. I think that the idea of exams being cancelled made them feel better so that’s good. Percy is mad because exams are cancelled but he loves exams so that’s pretty normal. Ron, however, has been a little off. He himself seems okay, but he was actually talking to myself and Arthur early today saying he is worried about Harry. Other than being worried about Harry, he is a little worse than Ginny but I think it’s mostly the worry about Harry. May I ask what is going on with Harry?** ”

“ _ That’s the thing, Molly. We don’t know what is going on with Harry. He hasn’t spoken since it happened. We haven’t heard a word from him and we don’t know what to do. He doesn’t look up from the ground or his lap and he is barely eating anything. We have managed to get him to eat a bit of food, but it’s nothing even close to what he would normally eat. _ ”

“ **Oh, dear. I’m sorry, my loves. That sounds really difficult. Do you know what happened?** ”

“ _ We have absolutely no idea. We don’t know what to do, Molly. _ ”

“ **I wish I could help, but I have no idea what to do. Maybe encourage him to invite Ron and Hermione over if he wants? I know you all probably want to hear what he says when he tells the story but as a mom of seven children, I can tell you that sometimes kids need to talk to their friends first.** ”

“ _ Okay. Thank you, Molly. Tell Ron to keep talking to Harry as much as Harry will allow. We don’t want to pressure your boy but tell him not to let Harry push him and Hermione away. Thank you again. _ ”

“ **Of course. If any of you need anything, just call or stop by. And please, let me know if I can bring over a meal sometime so that is one less thing on your plate.** ”

“ _Thank you, we will. Talk to you soon, Molly._ ”

Once the phone call once over, the room fell into silence once again.

“Moony?”

“Yes, Prongs?”

“Can I ask you a personal question?”

“Sure. What’s up?”

“When you stopped talking, why did you stop and why did you eventually start talking again?” Everyone turned to look at Remus as he sat and thought about how to answer the question. After a minute of silence, Remus spoke up.

“I stopped talking because there was too much to process. So much happened and I didn’t know what to say let alone how to communicate or answer questions. In my head, if I wasn’t talking then no one could expect me to answer them. I’ve thought about it today, and I think that even though Harry and I didn’t go through the same thing, he may have the same reasoning as I did about not talking. It’s too much too soon. I don’t remember my process to start talking again, but all I know is that at some point it just felt right to talk. I still talked here and there, but usually, I wouldn’t talk. The problem is, I made a conscious decision to not talk. Harry might not have that choice.”

“What do you mean?”

“Harry may feel like he isn’t safe. It’s nothing that we have done to make him feel like that, but in the lockdown, something may have happened where he was only safe if he stayed quiet. When there is a school shooting, the kids are most safe if they stay silent. If they say something that could endanger them. Harry might still be in that mindset. I don’t know the psychology behind it, but Harry might be thinking that he will still be safe if he stays silent. Or maybe it is because if he talks he may have to answer questions. There could be so many things that cause him to stay silent or it could just be one thing.”

“So what do we do?” James asked.

“Support him. We just need to be there for him. If he wants to talk then eventually he will, but that could be tomorrow or it could be in a year. We just need to be there if he needs us.”

The three adults nodded in agreement and Remus and Sirius got up before starting to say their goodbyes.

“I think we will head home tonight,” Sirius started. “We can be back in the morning though if you would like or we can stay at our house for the day. What would you like?”

“You both do whatever is comfortable. I put a message out on The Order’s website saying we are closed until the 18th. I didn’t offer any information but I just told them and the staff that we are closed. If you both want to spend the time off here or at your place, you guys do it.”

“Okay,” Remus said with a small smile. “Text us if you need us here. We are going to go say goodnight to Harry and then we will come to say goodnight to you both and make our exit.” Remus and Sirius walked up the stairs before knocking on their nephew's door and waiting for a reply. When they didn’t get one, they knocked once more before opening the door and walking in. Harry was sitting on his bed looking down at his lap.

“Sirius and I are headed home for the night. If you need anything you can text us or you know where the spare key is. Are you okay if we give you a hug goodnight?” When they received a shrug, they gave him a quick hug before heading downstairs and saying goodnight to James and Lily before taking their leave.

The days came and went and Harry still didn’t speak. He would sit in his room and stare at the message he wrote. The last words he was supposed to ever have had. His uncles would stop by and ask if he would want to hang out but he would politely shake his head. His dad would ask him if he wanted to play a game of soccer but he would politely shake his head. His mom would ask him if he wanted to have a cup of tea with her but he would politely shake his head. Harry’s birthday was tomorrow and he knew his family wanted to celebrate, but Harry really didn’t want to. He knew he wouldn’t be able to get out of it though, so he texted his friends. His friends knew that he wasn’t talking, yet they fully supported him and had brought a whiteboard with them whenever they came over.

The Golden Trio (group chat)

( **Hermione** /  _ Ron  _ /  Harry )

July 30th

11:23 am:  If it is okay with the family, would you both like to have a sleepover tomorrow night?

11:24 am:  **I will ask my parents but I’m sure they will say yes. What time were you thinking?**

11:24 am:  _ Yes! Please get me out of this house. Nine people under one roof is getting a bit too much. _

Harry texted the family group chat before responding to his friends.

The Family (group chat)

( **Lily** /  _ James  _ /  Harry /  **Sirius** / _Remus_ )

July 30th

11:24 am:  Can Ron and Hermione have a sleepover tomorrow night?

11:25 am:  **It is your birthday, are you sure?**

11:26 am:  Yes please. 7 pm?

11:27 am:  **Then of course.**

11:27 am:  _ Of course. We will keep out of your hair. _

11:27 am:  _ I agree with whatever your mother says. _

11:27 am:  **I agree with whatever you dad says.**

The Golden Trio (group chat)

( **Hermione** /  _ Ron  _ /  Harry )

11:28 am:  They said 7 pm works. Does that work for you both?

11:29 am:  **That works for me. See you both tomorrow!**

11:29 am:  _ 7 pm works for me as well! See ya both tomorrow! _

Harry hadn’t had a good sleep since the night before the lockdown. He has, however, learned how to make his parents and uncles think that he had been sleeping well. Harry would pretend to go to bed at 10 pm and he would lay in bed. It wasn’t that Harry refused to sleep, he had tried in the beginning. After waking up in a cold sweat multiple times a night, Harry would just lay in bed and pretend to be asleep so his parents wouldn’t give him anything to help him sleep. Harry would lay in bed facing the wall opposite of his door. Sometimes he would doze off and wake up a little while later but usually he would just stare at his wall and watch the hours pass by on his clock. At 11:30 pm, his mum would open his door and stand there for 15 seconds before quietly whispering ‘I love you’ and shutting the door. His dad would come at 11:45 pm and open his door and do the same thing. At 3:35 am every other night, his mum would wake up to get a cup of water and open his door on the way back and stand there for 8 seconds before whispering ‘I love you, Harry’ and shutting the door. At 9 am, his mum or dad would fetch him for breakfast and at 12 pm Uncle Moony would bring him up some lunch and sit and talk while waiting for Harry to finish eating before leaving. At 6 pm, Uncle Padfoot would come to get him for supper. Harry had it down to a schedule and as long as he followed it, they assumed he was okay and therefore sleeping. 

__

Having a sleepover with Hermione and Ron would be good. They never pushed him to tell them what happened but he knew they wanted to know. He would tell them eventually, but he wasn’t ready for that. After thinking of how the day was going to go, he looked at the clock to see that it was 9 am and heard his dad coming up the stairs (Harry had learned to distinguish different family members by how they were walking). 10 seconds later, a knock was heard on the door and then when Harry gave no reply, a second knock was delivered and his dad opened his door.

“Hey, bud,” his dad said. “Happy birthday. Uncle Moony and Uncle Padfoot have started making waffles and there is coffee already made.” As Harry followed his dad out of his room, he made a mental note to drink more coffee this morning. Coffee had been a major key in keeping Harry awake and allowed him to make his family think he was sleeping. As he walked into the kitchen, he could see his uncles and mum sitting at the table with smiles on their faces. Harry hadn’t smiled any real smiles since the lockdown, but every once in a while he would lift one of the corners of his mouth to give them a very small fake smile. It was enough of a smile that his parents and uncles would accept it.

“Happy birthday, Harry,” The three adults said at the table. Giving them the small smile, Harry sat down at the table. As they dished up, Harry sat and looked at his family as they filled the room with conversations and laughs. Harry was lucky to have this family, they meant the world to him. As he finished the waffle on his plate, he drained the last bit of his coffee before he poured himself another. He stayed sitting at the table and stared into his cup. On any other day, Harry would head back up to his room but he knew his family wanted to hang out with him today. Harry wouldn’t tell them, but he was really struggling with it being his birthday. Harry shouldn’t have made it to 16. Harry should have died and he should have died being 15 and not having another birthday. His family didn’t know they almost lost him or how close they actually were to losing him. Harry thought that the only people who knew would be himself and Officer Moody. To his knowledge, Officer Moody was the only one who saw the bullet hole in the washroom floor. The only other people who might have seen it were Officer Tonks and any school staff who have been in the school since then. Harry was broken out of his thoughts when he heard his Dad speak.

“So, Harry. We have a couple of birthday gifts for you. First,” his dad took an envelope out of his pocket and handed it to Harry. After staring at the envelope, Harry slowly started opening it and pulled out a sheet of paper with a picture of a motorbike. “We know you’ve wanted to learn to ride a motorbike, so we are going to pay for you to take the tests and Sirius will teach you how to drive. Since you are 16, you will be able to get your license. The second gift is we will help you pick out and pay for a motorbike once you pass the test!” Harry was conflicted with feelings, but he gave his family a small smile and it seemed to relax them all. 

Harry had always wanted to get his motorbike license. Growing up, he would ride with his Uncle Padfoot and up until today, he had always wanted to have his own motorbike. He thought he still wanted it until he was told he could get one. Maybe this was the thing that was going to finally kill Harry. He had always known that motorbikes could be dangerous, but he could die from a motorbike accident. Was this something Harry wanted? Is this how Harry was supposed to die after somehow making it out of a school shooting that he shouldn’t have survived? Harry was conflicted, but he knew that this is what he wanted at one point and that his family had thought long and hard about it. Giving them another small smile, Harry received hugs from both his parents and uncles before sitting back down.

“So,” his mum said. “We weren’t entirely sure what to do this afternoon, but we thought about maybe going to the zoo? If you want to do something else we can. What do you think about the zoo plan? Yes or no?” Harry thought about it. It might be nice to go to the zoo, he hadn’t gone for a couple of years. With a nod of his head and another small smile, the rest of his family cheered before his mum continued talking. “Okay, so it’s 9:45 now, so do you want to go get ready and we can leave in 15 minutes?” Harry nodded again and stood up from the table at the same time as Remus. Remus followed Harry to his room and Harry gave his uncle a confused look before Remus started talking.

“Harry, I just want you to know before I say what I’m going to say that I’m not going to tell your parents or my husband what I’m going to tell you. When they ask, I’m going to tell them that I was simply giving you this card, okay?” Remus passed Harry a birthday card and when he nodded, Remus continued. “I’m observant. I know you know that, but I saw the way you looked at the picture on the paper. I don’t know what you thought, but for a split second, I thought I saw some fear or hesitation in your eyes. I’m not going to pester you for answers and I’m not going to tell the rest of the family what I saw, but I want you to know that if you need me to procrastinate the lessons, I’ll do it. If you need to talk or type or just want to sit and drink some coffee so that you stay awake without someone assuming you will start talking, I’m your uncle Moony and your godfather. I’m here and I don’t know what you are going through but I went through a phase of not talking because of trauma. I love you, pup.” Without warning, Harry threw himself into his uncle’s arms and pressed his face into his chest to not cry. Without any hesitation, Remus wrapped his arms around Harry. When Harry let go, Remus pulled back and placed a quick kiss on Harry’s forehead before walking back down the stairs. Harry hadn’t started a hug since before the lockdown until today. Remus wanted to tell Sirius, Lily and James but he knew that if he did that they would know it wasn’t just the card that made Harry start a hug.

The day together as a family was good. They walked around and saw lots of animals and ate lots of candy and ice cream. Harry enjoyed it but he couldn’t get his uncle’s words out of his head. Uncle Moon knew that he faked being happy about the present and knew that Harry wasn’t sleeping well. Harry should have known that if anyone picked up on it, it would be Uncle Moony. And Uncle Moony went through trauma that caused him to go mute as well? Harry wanted to talk to his uncle but he was not ready to dive into anything that happened. Harry spent the time walking around the zoo thinking and giving small smiles to his family if they said something. They had lunch in the zoo and eventually arrived back at the house just after 3:30 pm. When they got home, Harry went upstairs and took a shower while the adults got the living room ready for Harry and his friends. They set out drinks, candy, the Wii system and blankets. The plan was for James and Lily to spend the night at Remus’ and Sirius’ house so that Harry could just be with his friends. Normally parents would be worried about their kid being home alone with friends, but the family knew Ron and Hermione and the only thing they would worry about is them not going to bed.

At 7 pm, the doorbell rang and Sirius went and let Harry’s friends in. They greeted Harry with hugs and they sat down to eat cake. After cake had been eaten and James, Lily, Remus and Sirius said their goodnights, Harry and his friends were left alone.

“So,” Hermione started. “Ron and I were trying to figure out what we could get you for your birthday and we had been debating for the past three months.”

“Yeah,” Ron said. “And we know you don’t want to talk about it but we got the idea after the lockdown.” Ron paused and scrunched up his face at his words. “Sorry, Harry. I just realized how bad that sounded.” Harry gave his friends a small smile and encouraged them to keep going. “Anyways, it was when Mione and I were standing in the parking lot with your family and were waiting for almost an hour to find out if you were okay.” Ron started to tear up at this so Hermione took over talking.

“While we were standing there and we just had to wait because you were the only one following the rules of not being on your phone during a lockdown, we were so worried. So we came up with an idea. This gift is from us, Fred and George, my parents and Ron’s parents.” Hermione pulled out three boxes from her bag and passed one to Harry. Harry gave her and Ron a weird look before opening it. Inside was a black bracelet. Looking at his friends for an explanation, they opened the other boxes and there were two identical-looking bracelets to the one he had. 

“They are touch bracelets,” Ron explained. “If you turn it on with the switch on the side I’ll show you what that means.” As the three friends turned the bracelets on, Ron started demonstrating. “If I hold the button on the other side for three seconds, I can tap the top of the bracelet and it will send you both what I tap in a blue coloured light. If Hermione does it, it will appear as a pink light on your’s and mine. If you hold the button and tap, ours will flash green.” Harry watched in fascination as Ron held the button and tapped the top of his bracelet three times, a short tap, a tap that he held for two seconds and then another short tap. Three seconds after Ron gave the last tap, both Harry’s and Hermione’s bracelets flashed the pattern in blue. Harry tried the same thing and watched as his friends’ bracelets lit up in a green pattern.

“This works for long distances as well,” Hermione said. “We can be across the world and if someone taps then it will appear. I also made a sheet.” Hermione pulled out three identical pieces of paper and passed them to the others. “Ron and I worked on these yesterday and the patterns represent messages. It will probably take a while to remember what is what, but it’ll be easy to contact each other no matter where. If we just need a quick check-in with each other or just want to say something that doesn’t require a text, we can use these. Oh, and they also show the time so it’s even more useful!”

As Harry looked back and forth between the bracelets and his best friends, his eyes started to tear up and he let a small but genuine smile fall on his lips. He had the best friends in the world. He looked at the list before holding the button on his bracelet and tapping the top three quick times.  _ I love you, guys. _


	3. Chapter 3

It was 5 am on August 2 when Harry decided to get out of bed. He was exhausted but didn’t want to lay in bed anymore. He sat in bed and debated texting someone. He didn’t want to talk, but he wanted to be with someone after sitting and debating for five minutes, Harry sent a quick text and hoped he would get a reply but understood if he wouldn’t.

5:05 am:  _ I’m sorry to text you so early, but are you awake? _

5:06 am:  **I am. I will meet you in the backyard in 5 minutes. Would you like a coffee?**

5:07 am:  _ Yes, please. Thank you, Uncle Moony. _

Harry got out of bed and put on a warm sweater before quietly walking down the stairs and sitting on the outdoor couch on the shared porch. A couple of minutes later, a hot cup of coffee was passed to Harry and his uncle sat down beside them. They sat in silence for 15 minutes as they slowly sipped their coffees. When both men had finished their coffees, they continued to sit in silence until Harry took out his phone and sent a text.

5:30 am:  _ Do you want to kick a soccer ball around with me for a little bit before I go back upstairs and pretend to be asleep until my parents wake me up for breakfast? _

When Remus read the text, he laughed quietly before standing up and nodding his head. Harry grabbed a soccer ball and they passed it back and forth for over an hour. Remus took this time to communicate to Harry non-verbally. Remus would talk to Harry throughout the day when he saw him, but he decided that if these mornings continued that he would spend them in silence with his nephew until he made the first move to talk. Whether Harry started talking but didn’t talk during the morning, Remus would still stay silent. Sometimes, words weren’t needed to communicate. 

As the sun continued to rise in the sky, Remus looked at his watch and saw that it was 6:45 am and the rest of the family would be getting up soon. Stopping the ball with his foot, Remus tapped his watch and watched as Harry’s eyes grew wide and he sent a small smile toward Remus before making his way back inside. It was at this moment when Remus realized that Harry wanted to keep this morning a secret between the two of them. If Remus hadn’t gone through the trauma he did when he was younger then he may have been offended by Harry not wanting to know. But Remus knew that this was something Harry needed. Harry needed a quiet morning and if Remus could provide that then he would be more than happy to.

At 9 am, Harry heard his mum walk up the stairs and bring him down for breakfast. As he walked down the stairs, he hoped Uncle Moony wouldn’t say anything. Harry hadn’t kicked a soccer ball around since the morning of the lockdown before school. It wasn’t that Harry thought that if people saw him playing again that they would be mad that he stopped for so long or anything, it was more so that he didn’t want it to be a big thing. Harry had enjoyed the morning of silence and enjoyed just being with Uncle Moony. If his dad or Uncle Padfoot knew he kicked the ball around, they would probably want to play a game. Harry used to love playing games with them, but he really didn’t want to share his morning time with anyone else if Uncle Moony would continue sitting with him. When he made it to the kitchen, Harry let out a quiet sigh of relief when his uncle made no indication of already seeing him this morning.

The next few weeks continued in a similar way. Harry had stopped texting his uncle at 5 am and just walked to the backyard where his uncle would be sitting on the shared couch with two cups of coffee. They drank their coffee in silence and once they were both done they would kick the ball around until quarter to seven before Harry would go back to his room and pretend to sleep until his parents got him for breakfast. 

On August 12, Lily woke up earlier than usual and tried to fall back asleep. When she couldn’t, she checked the time and saw it was 6:30 and no one would be up. Deciding to look outside to see what the weather would be like that day, she opened the curtains a little bit so as to not wake up her husband. Harry was planning on meeting up with Ron and Hermione at the park later that afternoon if the weather was nice. The plan was for James, Lily, Remus and Sirius to hang out while Harry was out and talk with no filters until he came back home. When she opened the curtains, she quickly shut them as she thought she was seeing things. Did she really see her best friend and her son kicking around a soccer ball at 6:30 in the morning? Slowly opening the curtains again to make sure it was real, she saw what she thought she saw. Harry was kicking around a soccer ball with his Uncle Moony.

“James!” Lily whisper-yelled. “Wake up!”

“Lily, it’s too early. What’s so important?”

“Come look out the window. I’m serious, love. You really don’t want to miss this.” James slowly climbed out of bed and looked out the window before rubbing his eyes and looking out the window again.

“Is that...”

“It is. Harry is with Remus and they are playing soccer.”

“I want to join them but I know I shouldn’t. I haven’t seen Harry even look at a soccer ball in almost a month.”

“Me neither, love.” Both parents had small smiles as they watched what was happening in their backyard. At one point, Remus stopped the ball with his foot and tapped his watch. Both James and Lily looked at the clock to see it turn to 6:45. They watched as Remus walked towards Harry and gave him a hug before picking up the soccer ball and putting it in the shed as Harry quietly walked inside and went to his room. James and Lily climbed into bed before quietly whispering to each other.

“What was that?”

“I have no idea, James.”

“Should we bring it up today?”

“Not in front of Harry. We can bring it up once he leaves and it’s just us adults.”

“Do you think this was the first time?”

“I honestly don’t know. Let’s watch the interactions at breakfast and see. If Harry and Rem act the same then we can assume that it’s not the first time.”

When James and Lily went downstairs for coffee, they saw that Remus and Sirius were already there. Everything seemed like it usually did and when Lily came back downstairs with Harry, Harry and Remus acted the same as usual. The morning continued in a similar fashion as usual until Harry left. Five minutes after Harry left, James and Lily shared a look with each other.

“Uh, Prongs? Little Red? What’s with the looks? Should Moony and I give you two some alone time?”

“Sirius!” Remus exclaimed to his husband.

“Oh no no,” Lily said. “We were just wondering if Remus wanted to explain what James and I saw this morning?” James, Lily and Sirius looked at Remus and Remus made no indication that he knew that two people had seen him with Harry that morning.

“Me dropping some syrup on my pants? I mean I’m kind of clumsy so it’s not that weird,” Remus retorted.

“Not that,” James said. “We are talking about seeing you and Harry kicking a soccer ball around in the backyard at 6:30 am.” This caused Remus to freeze and Sirius to start going crazy.

“Moony was playing soccer with Prongslet this morning?! Are you serious? Moons? What are they talking about?”

“Wait,” Lily said in confusion. “Sirius doesn’t know? And how long has this been going on?”

Remus put one hand up and all the questions stopped.

“Alright,” Remus said. “I’ll tell you but I need you all to promise that after I tell you, this conversation never happened. Once I answer the questions, nothing changes and you guys pretend you know nothing about it. Also, don’t interrupt. You can ask questions at the end. Promise?”

“But-”

“If you don’t promise then I’m not saying anything.” Lily stared Remus down in hopes that Remus would break first, but he didn’t. Remus was not joking around and he was not going to budge.

“Fine,” Lily said. “We promise.”

“Good,” Remus started. “It started early last week. I’m usually an early riser anyway, but I woke up and after getting a glass of water I heard my phone buzz. No one usually texts me early but someone did so I checked. It was Harry asking if I was awake. It was 5 in the morning but I was awake and so I replied telling him that I would meet him in the backyard with coffee. When the coffee was made, I poured two cups and brought them out to the backyard and sat and drank it. Once we were both done, he pulled out his phone and texted me if I wanted to pass a ball back and forth for a bit. We just fell into a routine and we have kept at it.” Silence took over the room before James, Lily and Sirius took turns asking questions.

“Why did you tap your watch at 6:45?”

“That’s when Harry goes back to bed until you wake him up.”

“Why?”

“I think he wants to keep the mornings a secret for a while.”

“Does… does he talk to you?”

“No.”

“What do you talk about?”

“Nothing.”

“You can tell us, Moony. We aren’t going to judge you about what you talk about.”

“I’m not kidding, we talk about nothing.”

“How do you do that?”

“You guys seem to forget that I didn’t talk for a year. I know how to communicate without words. Why do you think I tap my watch at 6:45 instead of telling Harry the time?”

“You mean you both spend almost two hours in silence?”

“Exactly. I don’t know what goes on in Harry’s mind and I won’t pretend I do, but I think he enjoys having the silence. I didn’t tell any of you because now you both may find it hard to not wake up early and watch out the windows. But I’m serious if you watch he will probably stop so I need you all to promise that you won’t watch.”

“We promise,” James, Sirius and Lily collectively said.

“Why did he text you and not any of us?”

“I’m not going to tell you the details, but I talked with him a while ago and told him that I may not know what happened but that I had been on his side of not talking. I told him that if he wanted someone to just sit with who understands being on that side that I am just next door. I don’t exactly know why he picked me, but that is my guess.”

“Thank you for being there for him, Rem. I’m his mom and I should be there but I don’t know how,” Lily said.

“Of course. But seriously, guys. You need to understand that he doesn’t love me or trust me more. I’ve been on his side and if he even gets a hint of feeling like you guys are upset with me or him for choosing me to play soccer with in the morning then it could make things worse. He’ll draw into himself more and cut himself off completely. Please don’t let him know that you know about our mornings. If he wants you to know, he will tell you. I know it’s probably hard, but he knows I have the experience he is kind of in right now. When I was going through my stuff, I just wanted to have someone on my side who had gone through something similar so that they would understand. I hate that I understand what he is probably feeling, but it’s the position I’m in now. Do you guys understand?”

After Remus got confirmation that the others understood, they all relaxed and sat in silence for a while until Remus sighed and put his heads in his hands.

“Love?” Sirius questioned with a worried look. “What’s wrong?”

“Tomorrow’s going to be bad, guys.”

“ Do you need me to get the box?” Lily asked with concern.

“Not for me.” Taking his head out of his hands, Remus looked at his friends. “Tomorrow is August 13th. It’ll be a month marking the lockdown.” Remus was greeted with equally worried looks, all seeming to ask him what to do. “I don’t know what we are going to do though. He might not come out in the morning but I’ll text you whether he does or not and let you know how he seems. That is the only time I’ll mention the mornings again until Harry tells you himself.”

The group grew more concerned throughout the day as they greeted Harry when he got home and he looked more tired and withdrawn than usual. As the afternoon bled into the evening, Harry’s attitude started worrying the adults more and more. They could only hope that they would know what they could do to help.

As Harry pretended to go to sleep at 10 pm, he laid in bed and stared at the wall. This was normal by now, but it felt different. Harry’s thoughts felt different, they felt heavier. He felt like he was back in the washroom stall but also like he wasn’t. It was like he was sitting on top of the toilet with his bag before the man came in but it was like he knew the man was going to come in. Harry couldn’t describe it but he hated the feeling. Harry laid there and let his thoughts run. He would have tried to fight them but he just couldn’t. His head hurt and his heart hurt and his throat hurt but at the same time, he felt numb.

_ I should be dead. It’s been a month and I’m still alive. _

_ Am I actually alive? Did I speak up and the man decided to shoot me but I just can’t accept my death? _

_ Why do I feel like this? Why is my head so heavy? _

“I love you, Harry.”

_ Was it 3:35 already? Why can’t I remember what’s happening? _

_ Did dad already say he loved me? Maybe he stopped loving me and that’s why I didn’t hear him. _

_ What if I didn’t speak up and the noise in the hallways didn’t happen? What if the sound of the bullet hitting the floor didn’t hit the floor but instead. _

Harry pulled his bedside table drawer open and picked up the tiny bullet. Harry knew nothing about guns but he knew that if he got hit correctly, this tiny bullet should have killed him. He held the bullet over his heart, trying to remind himself that this bullet was proof that he wasn’t dead. He wasn’t dead because the bullet that was supposed to kill him got shot at the floor first.

Putting the bullet back in the drawer, Harry looked at the clock. It was 5:15 am. Uncle Moony would be downstairs waiting for Harry. Maybe if Harry stayed here then Uncle Moony would tell everybody that he wanted to be left alone. As much as Harry wanted to believe that, he knew that Uncle Moony would be more worried. Harry slowly stood up and stood in front of his closet. Did he need a sweater? No, he needed to feel something. Harry slowly walked downstairs and kept his eyes to the floor when he approached the back door. He could see his uncle sitting on the couch through the window. Why would he wait? Uncle Moony should have been disappointed and went back inside. Taking a slow breath, Harry opened the door and quietly shut it behind his and sat down beside Remus. With no words, Remus handed Harry a coffee and Harry just held it as he stared into the cup.

_ A month ago, Harry would have still been sleeping. _

_ A month ago, Harry would have had one cup of coffee before 10 am instead of four. _

_ A month ago, Harry wouldn’t have even considered almost dying before the age of 80. _

_ A month ago, Harry would have been hoping that his parents and uncles would let him get a motorbike license for his 16th birthday. _

_ A month ago, Harry wouldn’t have even thought that he would ever be stuck in a washroom with an active shooter. _

Harry was pulled from his thoughts and jumped when he felt something touch his leg. He realized that it was his Uncle Moony getting his attention and showing him the time. It was 6:50 am. Harry needed to go back to bed. Standing up, Harry wobbled a bit but gained his balance before he could fall. He felt his uncle grab his shoulders and start directing him to his room. If Harry had the energy, he would have communicated that he could do it himself but he was too tired and too done. Harry felt drained and he hadn’t even done anything. It felt like he was back in the aftermath of the lockdown. His head felt heavy and he barely understood what was going on around him. At some point, Harry realized that he was laying in his bed back under the blankets. He was facing away from his clock but he didn’t care enough to turn so he could find out the time. He laid on his side and stared at the area where his carpet met the wall. He barely noticed when his dad came in, but he jumped when he felt a hand on his shoulder. Realizing it was his dad bringing him down for breakfast, Harry slowly sat up. It took him a while to stand but he didn’t know how long. At some point, Harry made it to the kitchen table and ate three bites of toast before stopping. Harry couldn’t eat anymore. 

_ I shouldn’t be alive… Why am I still alive? I don’t feel like I’m alive. _

_ What happened that day? How long was I in the school before they found me? _

_ What was the sound in the hallway? There shouldn’t have been a noise if we were in a lockdown… _

_ There had to be a sound in the hallway… If there wasn’t then I wouldn’t have the bullet beside my bed. _

Harry jumped when he felt someone’s hand touch his. He wasn’t listening to anything going on today. He kept getting caught off guard by people touching him but he couldn’t seem to pay attention or even just listen. Harry felt someone put their hand under his arm and help him to his feet. They must have assumed he wanted to go back to his room because that was where he realized he was next. He laid in the dark in his room but eventually realized that his bracelet kept lighting up with blue and pink flashes. He needed to respond but he was so, so tired. Harry could only think of one pattern and he sent it. Two quick taps and one long touch; _I’m not okay._

Harry barely realized that someone was in the room with him until someone sat on his bed beside his legs. He saw something placed in front of his face and realized it was lunch. It was half a piece of toast with butter. He ate half of it before closing his eyes and hoping that he was left alone. When he felt the weight lift from his bed, he waited a moment before opening his eyes and continuing to stare at the wall.

_ I just want to sleep forever right now. Sleeping forever would be nice. These thoughts would all stop. _

_ I miss the old me. I was happy and I could think. I miss thinking for myself and being happy. _

_ I can’t stop thinking but I can’t control what I think of. I’m so so tired. _

_ Why didn’t I die? Dying would have been easier than living through this past month. _

_ Had it only been a month? Why does it feel so long ago? _

_ I hate that I’m still hoping that this is all just a nightmare. I hate that I’m still living in this nightmare. _

Harry saw two pairs of feet in front of him. He recognized them but why were they here? Harry felt both of them help him to his feet and hold his hands as they led him to the kitchen table. Why were Ron and Hermione here? They should be with their families. Harry sat down in his seat and saw a very small amount of food on his plate. His family never made this, this was what Mrs Weasley would make when Harry came over for supper. Looking at his glass of water, he could see that the Weasley family and the Granger family were also sitting at the table and eating. Ron and Hermione were beside him and ate. He ate all that was on his plate before slightly pushing his plate back and continued to stare at his lap.

_ Why are they all here? Why are they talking so loud but I can’t hear what they are saying? _

_ I’m so tired and I don’t want to try anymore. _

_ I just want to be alone but I’m too tired to leave the table. _

Harry saw his plate get cleared from the table and saw a cookie on a napkin being placed in front of him and his friends. When they started eating, Harry slowly reached out and picked up the cookie and took a small bite out of it before resting the cookie and his hands in his lap while he chewed. Why did it feel so difficult to chew the cookie? After he finished the bite in his mouth, he took one more bite before placing his cookie back on the table and put his hands back in his lap.

_ Please, I just want to go back to bed. I’m so tired. _

Remembering his bracelet, Harry held the button and made two quick taps before a long tap. He sent it earlier and he just hoped his friends would remember the meaning ‘ _I’m not okay._ ’ 

When Ron and Hermione saw Harry place his cookie on the table and reach for his bracelet, they sent each other a subtle look and waited for their bracelets to flash. ‘ _I’m not okay_ ’ it flashed. Both Ron and Hermione stood up and ignored the looks of the other’s in the room as Ron helped Harry up and Hermione pushed their chairs in. After saying a quick ‘thank you,’ Hermione grabbed Harry’s free hand before helping Ron lead him upstairs to his room. Once they got there, Hermione started getting the bed ready with her back to Harry and Ron so Ron could help Harry change.

When Ron and Hermione received the message on their bracelets, they were already hanging out together trying to figure out how to help Harry. Mrs Potter had contacted them earlier and let them know that Harry may not contact them because he was not doing good at all. As soon as they received the message, they called the Potter’s and asked them if their families could come over for supper to help Harry. Hermione offered to bake cookies for dessert and Molly immediately jumped at the opportunity to make the meal. When the Potter’s agreed, the Weasleys and the Grangers were at their house in just over an hour and a half. When they arrived, everybody started setting the table as Harry’s family pulled Ron and Hermione over to give them hugs and to ask them to grab their friend from his room. When they knocked on his door and opened it, they started tearing up at the sight of their friend. His eyes looked empty, he had bags under his eyes, he looked exhausted and he didn’t even realize that they were there. They stood in front of him and talked for half a minute before reaching down to help him up. They didn’t know exactly how to help, but they weren’t going to leave him on his own until they had to.

When Hermione had made the bed, she asked Ron if it was okay to turn around and after receiving the okay she turned to help Harry into bed. Ron and Hermione helped Harry into bed so he was laying down facing the clock if he woke up and sat on either side of him. They didn’t say anything but they saw Harry close his eyes and watched as the tears fell down his face. Ron passed Hermione a tissue as she was on the side he was facing and Hermione continuously dried his tears as they fell and held his hand as Ron kept his hand on Harry’s shoulder. When the tears stopped, Hermione took out the note they had written earlier and placed it on his bedside table before throwing the tissue in the garbage and closing the door behind them and joining the rest of the families downstairs.

As everyone saw the two friends return, the Weasley’s and Granger’s started to get ready to leave as Harry’s family pulled Ron and Hermione aside.

“Thank you for doing this for Harry,” Lily said embracing both Ron and Hermione in hugs.

“Yes,” James said, shaking their hands. “It means a lot to us and to him.”

“Harry has the best friends he could ever ask for,” Sirius said giving both Ron and Hermione handshakes like his brother did.

“You both are doing everything you can for Harry perfectly. Don’t doubt the impact you both have on him, you mean as much to him as we mean to him,” Remus said giving both friends a hug.

“Thank you for letting us bring our loud families,” Hermione said with a smile as she put her coat on.

“And please contact us if you think Harry needs or wants us here. We will be here in a heartbeat,” Ron said before correcting himself. “Okay, we will be here if it’s during the day unless we have a ride at night. It’s a little too sketchy to walk in the middle of the night.”

The group of six shared a small laugh before Ron and Hermione left and the door closed behind them.

  
  


Harry woke up and realized he was alone again. Looking at the clock, Harry could see he had only been asleep for at most an hour. As much as Harry wanted to know what the time was all night, he took one last glance at the clock before rolling over to face away from the clock. It was just past 1 am and Harry had four hours before he would sit with uncle Moony. Harry guessed that his uncles were spending the night here because he heard noises in the guest room next to him. The voices eventually died down and Harry continued to stare at the wall. At some point, he got tired of laying there and slowly walked downstairs to sit on the couch. He knew he didn’t have to worry about his mum getting a glass of water tonight because she got one last night. Harry poured himself a cup of coffee and sat on the couch. 

_ It gets harder everyday… _

_ Why am I still alive? _

_ What was the noise in the hallway? _

_ Why couldn’t this have all just been over by now? _

_ Why haven’t I talked yet? Why can’t I bring myself to say anything? _

_ Silence is the safest sound. If I didn’t stay silent then I would have died. By being silent, I stayed alive. Maybe if I stay silent, I’ll feel alive again. _

_ Why don’t I feel alive anymore? _

_ Will I ever feel alive again or is this it? Is this how I’m supposed to feel for the rest of my life? _

At some point, Harry had put his cup on the coffee table and finished what was in the cup. He heard someone coming down the steps before turning the coffee machine on and sitting next to him. It was Uncle Moony. Harry felt all the exhaustion hit him once he felt his uncle next to him.

_ Uncle Moony has been through something like this. If he was able to stay safe for this long, maybe he can keep me safe for a couple of minutes. _

Harry gently leaned against his uncle’s shoulders and his uncle immediately put his arm around Harry and pulled him close before pulling a blanket over Harry. Harry walked the line between being conscious and being unconscious for a couple of hours until 7 am. When the clock hit 7, Remus picked Harry up and brought him back to his bed before tucking him. As he turned to leave, he felt his hand being grabbed. Looking down, he saw his nephew look younger than he was, he looked scared and little. Giving him a small smile, Remus turned off the light and sat down beside Harry, keeping hold of his hand. Breathing a sigh of relief, Harry finally closed his eyes willingly.


	4. Chapter 4

When Lily and James walked downstairs, they only saw Sirius at their table drinking coffee. Giving him a look, James asked the question they were all wondering.

“Where’s Moony?”

“I don’t know,” Sirius said. “I heard him leave the room this morning to meet with Harry, but he didn’t come back to bed. There was a full cup of coffee on the coffee table when I came down though.”

“Oh,” Lily breathed out. “Well, it’s 9 so I’ll go see if Harry is in his room. Do you boys want to start breakfast?” When she received two nods, she started walking up the stairs to her son’s room. When she knocked on the door and opened it, she was greeted with a sight she didn’t expect. Remus was sitting and leaving against Harry’s bed while Harry was asleep and holding his uncle’s hand. Giving Remus a questioning look, Remus responded quietly.

“I’ll bring him down when he wakes up. I want him to sleep as much as he can.” Knowing that Remus would tell them as much as he could later, Lily nodded before walking downstairs. When she entered the kitchen, she received worried glances from James and Sirius.

“Is Prongslet not there?”

“No, he’s up there,” Lily said with a small smile, sitting down at the table. “Remus is up there with him. He said that he would bring him down when he woke up.”

“Harry is still asleep?”

“He is. It was weird, I was preparing to walk in and either see them reading or not there, but I saw Remus sitting against Harry’s bed and holding his hand while sleeping.”

“I know he said we shouldn’t be,” James started, “but is it bad that I’m a little bit jealous that Remus can relate to Harry more than us right now? I know Remus went through a lot, but I just wish I could help my son.”

“No,” Sirius said. “I’m also a little jealous. I mean I never want to go through what Remus went through, but I feel like a bad uncle not being able to do what Remus is doing.”

“I think that it’s okay to wish we were able to be there for Harry like Remus can, but as long as we remember that Harry will most likely tell us what happened at some point and we will get through this,” Lily added as they sat down at the table to eat.

The three adults stayed sitting at the table for half an hour before hearing a set of footsteps coming down the stairs. When they all looked, they saw Remus but no Harry.

“Is Harry alright?” James asked.

“He’s really struggling. I’ll tell you guys about some stuff later but before you ask, no he hasn’t said anything. I just wanted to let you guys know some things before Harry comes down, he’s just getting dressed.” When he felt like the group was ready for him to continue, he sat down beside his husband. “We didn’t do anything this morning, when I came down Harry had already finished a cup of coffee. When I handed him his coffee and sat next to him, he seemed to be extremely exhausted so he fell asleep against me and I put his cup on the table. When 7 am came, I carried him upstairs and set him in bed. When I turned to leave, he grabbed my hand so I sat down and just let him sleep. When he woke up just a couple of minutes ago, I asked if he wanted to kick a ball around in the yard silently and he agreed. You guys are more than welcome to sit outside and watch, but I think Harry just needs a quiet day. Is that alright?”

Although everyone nodded, Remus could see that they were hurting but didn’t want to make things worse. Giving them a sad smile, the group dived into silence as Harry slowly walked down the stairs into the kitchen. 

After a small breakfast a couple of minutes of kicking a ball around, Harry left his family and walked up to his room. Sitting against his headrest, he pulled out the note and the bullet. Harry stared at the two items and felt tears well up in his eyes. Why was it so hard to accept that he didn’t die? If anyone else was in this position, would they have just gotten over it? Is he weak because he can’t accept that he got more life? Harry didn’t know anyone else who had ever been in his position. And what happened with the noise in the hallway? He couldn’t ask anyone if they heard the noise because if they said it was probably just the shooter he wasn’t sure he would be able to explain why he thought it wasn’t the shooter without telling his story. There were two people he could ask, but he would need to go to the police office to see them and that was a long walk. There was only one person who would be willing to drive him somewhere without asking questions. Pulling out his phone, Harry sent a text to his uncle Moony.

( **Harry** /  _ Remus  _ )

12:05 pm:  **Uncle Moony?**

12:07 pm:  _ Yes, Harry?  _

12:08 pm:  **I know if I ask anyone else they will ask me too many questions, but I need a ride somewhere. Could you go with me? And could we maybe have some coffee just the two of us at your house after?**

12:10 pm:  _ Of course. I will tell your parents we are heading out for a bit and I’ll tell Sirius to hang out here for the afternoon. Come down whenever you’re ready. _

12:11 pm:  **They won’t be mad at me?**

12:12 pm:  _ Of course not, Pup. I’ve explained what I went through to them a long time ago so they understand that this takes time. They aren’t mad that you ask me or that you and I spend one-on-one time together. They just want to be there for you.  _

12:13 pm:  **You promise they aren’t mad? And that Uncle Padfoot isn’t mad for kicking him out of his own house?**

12:14 pm:  _ I promise they aren’t mad and neither is Sirius. Sirius is probably excited for a reason to annoy your parents for the rest of the day. Come down whenever you’re ready. _

As Harry got ready, he put the message and the bullet in his pocket. Maybe he would talk to Uncle Moony this afternoon and if he did he needed these two items. As he put a sweater on, he put his phone in his pocket and walked down the stairs. When he reached the kitchen, he kept his head down so he wouldn’t see if his parents were upset or hurt by his request. He heard people stand and was embraced by his parents before they started talking.

“If you want to spend the night at Moony’s, just get him to text us,” his mum said, kissing his forehead.

“Have fun with Moony, text us if you need anything,” his dad said.

Sirius also gave Harry a hug before kissing his husband and giving him the keys. As Harry climbed into the passenger seat of the car, Remus climbed in the driver’s side and started the car.

“Where do you need me to go?”

Pulling out his phone, Harry typed a message in his notes and showed it to his uncle, hoping that he wouldn’t ask him why.

“The police station?” When Harry nodded, Remus continued. “Sounds good. You can think about it while we drive, but if you want me to go in with you and sit with you or if you want me to go in and wait by the entrance I can do that. You just tell me where you want me.”

The drive to the police station wasn’t very long, but it passed slowly as questions continued to run through Harry’s mind.

_ What if they think I’m crazy and there was no sound? _

_ What if neither Officer Tonks or Officer Moody are in? Will I have to come back another day? _

_ Did Officer Moody tell anyone else about the bullet? _

Harry was pulled from his thoughts when he felt the car stop. He looked towards his uncle and could feel his heart starting to race and his breathing get heavier. Deciding to get this over with, he nodded his head at his uncle and got out of the car. Harry remembered coming to the police station when he was a kid as a field trip with his kindergarten class. He remembered it all looking super cool and being fascinated by everything. As he walked in the station today, however, he did not feel the excitement he felt 11 years ago. When they made it to the front desk, Remus asked Harry if he wanted him to sit at the waiting chairs and Harry nodded. Harry needed more time to think before telling his uncle what happened. When he stood in front of the desk, a lady came up and greeted him.

“Good afternoon, what can I do for you?” Harry forgot to bring something to write on. He could use his phone, but he really didn’t want to. Giving the lady a motion of writing, she smiled and continued. “You need something to write on? No problem.” She reached under the desk and pulled out a pad of paper and a pen before Harry wrote down his question.

_ Do Officer Moody and Officer Tonks work here? _

“They do, would you like to speak to them?”

_ Yes please, if they have a moment. _

“Of course. I’ll bring you to one of the meeting rooms and you can wait there until they come. I’ll inform them of your writing to communicate.”

_ Thank you. _

“Of course, hun. They will be here soon.”

The lady left and Harry was left alone with his thoughts. He was worried but this was the only possible way of getting any answers. If they didn’t hear it or know what it was, no one else would. As Harry sat staring out the window, he heard the door open and in walked both Officer Tonks and Officer Moody.

“Good afternoon, Mr Potter. How are you today?” Officer Moody asked as he and Officer Tonks sat across the table from the boy.

_ Harry, please. I’m okay, I just had some questions and I didn’t know who else to ask. _

“Of course,” Officer Tonks said. “What can we help you with, Harry?”

_ Where did you catch the shooter in the school? _

“Well,“ Officer Moody began after sharing a look with his partner. “We found him a couple of meters from the washroom you were in.”

_ Did you catch him almost immediately or what happened? _

“Harry, why don’t you tell Officer Moody and I what you heard when he left the washroom?”

_ There were gunshots and shouting. I didn’t know if it was the police or if the man had people who were also there. _

“When the man saw Officer Moody and I, he started yelling and we yelled back. We tried to stall him as much as we could so the other officers could get close to him from behind. When he heard the officers’ behind him, he started shooting but one of the officers shot his hand and he dropped the gun. After that, we arrested him and brought him out of the school and started emptying classrooms.”

_ Oh… _

“What other questions do you have, son?” Officer Moody said, sensing that there was something else on the kid's mind. They watched as Harry started writing and then would scribble out what he wrote and try again only to repeat. They could see him starting to get frustrated with himself and tearing up. Officer Tonk stood up and got a cup of water for him and passed it to him.

“Take your time, Harry. Have some water and think about what you want to ask. We know it’s not easy, so take your time, okay?” Harry nodded and put the pen down before taking some sips of water. Once he finished his cup, he closed his eyes for a moment before opening them and writing his question.

_ When the man was in the washroom, he was talking to me. He said that if someone was in the washroom that they should speak and he might spare them but if I didn’t speak and he found me then he wouldn’t hesitate to kill me. He started walking past the stalls and pushing stalls open. He got to the one before mine and then there was a noise in the hallway so he turned around and went to the door but shot the ground in front of my stall before leaving. I know I didn’t imagine it but do you know what the sound was? I would be dead without it and I can’t think of what it was. _

Both officers carefully read what Harry wrote before both officers started lightly laughing. 

“Harry,” Officer Moody said quickly after looking at the boy’s face. “We aren’t laughing at you, we promise. That sound was the sound of Officer Tonks dropping a granola bar out of her pocket by accident. We are laughing because the sound that saved your life was what caused Officer Tonks to get in a lot of trouble.”

Harry let a small smile fall on his lips and looked between the two officers in front of him.

“Thank you,” Harry mouthed to the officers,

“You’re welcome,” Officer Tonks said. “Take care of yourself, Harry.”

“Have a good rest of your summer, kid,” Officer Moody said.

As Harry was guided to the front of the station, he couldn’t stop thinking of the irony that someone’s mistake saved his life. As he made it back to the front desk, Harry gave the pad of paper and pen back to the lady and followed his uncle back to the car. As they drove home, Harry kept thinking. He was glad he knew what the sound was, but it didn’t make him feel much better. He still couldn’t believe why he was alive but at least he knew what caused him to not be killed. At some point, Harry was guided into his uncles’ home and sat on the couch. Harry took out his phone and wrote a quick note and passed it to his uncle to read.  _ Can you tell me what happened to make you stop talking? You don’t have to if you don’t want to.  _ Remus read the writing before nodding his head and replying.

“I can tell you. I’m just going to go put on some more coffee though and grab some tissues. We will probably need both.” Harry watched as his uncle walked around the kitchen and brought back a tissue box. Placing a blanket over both him and Harry, he started to speak. “When I was nine, my parents put me into a program called ‘Scouts.’ This program was made to help boys learn survival skills, build a fire, learn to camp, etc. I was in that program until I was 14. In my first year, however, I was getting abused by one of the leaders. Anytime I would try to tell my parents, they would cut me off before I could say anything with the words ‘what is done in Scouts, stays in scouts.’ When I was 14, I told the man I was going to tell someone what he was doing and he beat me up really bad. I knew that if I didn’t get medical help then I wouldn’t be alive in the morning. I somehow made it home and crawled from my window to your mother’s widow since she was my best friend and lived just next door. She and her dad took me to the hospital and stayed with me until I got released. I had stopped talking around the age of 13 and the first time I talked after that besides telling the man I was going to tell someone was when I climbed into Lily’s room to tell her what happened. I wanted my last words to be to my best friend if I didn’t make it through the night.” Remus took a break to look at his godson. He didn’t want to overwhelm him but he didn’t want to make it seem like he didn’t want Harry to know. “Do you have any questions, Harry? You can ask any questions and if I don’t want to answer I’ll just tell you.” Harry sat there and thought before typing something on his phone and showing it to Remus.

_ Why did you decide to stop talking? _

“Whenever I tried to tell my parents or tell the man to stop, nothing would happen. I just gave up because no one was listening. Lily would talk and listen, but I couldn’t tell her because I was worried she wouldn’t want to be friends anymore when she found out what had been happening. I stopped talking because no one listened to what I needed to say so it was easier to just stop talking than to continue talking about nothing that mattered.”

_ I’m sorry you felt that way. _

“Thank you, Harry. It’s in the past now but it can still hurt.”

The two people sat in silence. Remus knew not to push for Harry to talk so he stayed silent. 

Harry sat beside his uncle as he thought about what was said. 

_ His Uncle Moony wasn’t safe whether he had his voice or not, but I was only safe if I stayed silent. _

_ The silence can’t protect me anymore, can it? _

_ Why am I still alive? What is the point anymore? _

_ I still feel numb. Does this ever end? _

_ Did Uncle Moony feel numb? Did the numbness go away? _

When Harry felt a hand on his leg, he looked and saw his uncle standing there with a plate of pizza. Looking at the clock, Harry could see that it was already 7 pm. He got up and sat beside his uncle and the table and slowly ate a slice. When they had finished, they moved back to the couch and Harry typed another question.

_ Did you feel numb?  _

With a sad smile, Remus nodded his head. Remus knew without a doubt that that question meant that was how Harry was feeling. From experience, numbness is one of the worst feelings to feel. You want to feel something. Numbness is draining and exhausting but it’s not something that can be controlled. It hurts but it also doesn’t hurt. You’re angry but you also aren’t angry. You’re relieved but also can’t feel any relief. It was an awful feeling and Remus wished he could take it away. 

Remus wouldn’t admit it to the others, but Remus knew that Harry hadn’t broken down yet. He had tears falling down his face when he was brought out of the school and he had cried when Ron and Hermione sat with him the other week, but he hadn’t broken yet. Remus knew that when the numbness breaks, everything gets worse. When someone finally loses the numb feeling, they get hit with a tide of emotions and it’s overwhelming. In the moment where you feel like you can’t breathe and you can’t stop the chest wrenching sobs, you almost prefer the numbness. You would prefer the numbness than feeling like you couldn’t breathe and your chest hurt. You would give anything to be numb again. But you need to feel all of the emotions before you can feel normal again, you need to accept that the numbness has to leave so you can get better. Remus knew that Harry was close to losing the numbness just by looking at him right now. His tears were building and his breathing was getting heavier. When Harry made eye contact with Remus and started to speak, all Remus could do was pull his nephew into a hug and let him cry it out.

“Uncle Moony,” Harry said with a hoarse and shaky voice. “When will I stop feeling numb?” Harry broke down in his uncle’s arms. Harry was clutching his chest as the sounds of his sobbing filled the quiet house. Harry wanted it all to stop, his chest ached and his throat burned. His cries sounded foreign, it felt like his body was forcing him to make sounds he didn’t know he was capable of making. He could feel himself shaking, it was like he couldn’t stop and he couldn’t control himself. His sobs made him shake but his hands also shook uncontrollably. He curled into his uncle’s chest just wanting to feel secure. He wanted to feel safe. He felt vulnerable and angry and relieved and sad and so many other emotions he couldn’t place. Why couldn’t he control his emotions? He couldn’t control his breathing, it was like his body was choosing when to breathe but it was never when he needed to feel a breath. He felt like he was being starved of oxygen but knew he wasn’t because he was still sobbing loudly. All Harry could do was sit there with his uncle and wait for his body to finish. He wanted it all to stop and he just wanted to go back to normal.

Remus held Harry tightly. That’s all Remus could do. He couldn’t say that everything was okay because nothing was okay for Harry. Remus couldn’t say that Harry was completely safe because he’s going to be haunted by what happened for a long time. All Remus could do was wait for Harry’s body to pass out from over a month of pure exhaustion. Remus sat and held his nephew until the morning. 


	5. Chapter 5

Harry slept through the night and woke up at some point in the morning but just stayed laying on the couch. He could hear someone talking but he didn’t care. He didn’t feel numb, but he couldn’t place what he felt most. Harry knew he was sad, but was he more sad than mad that this happened to him? Or was he more scared than mad? Maybe he was more jealous that he wasn’t in a classroom with his friends than he was scared? Harry felt so many emotions but at least he wasn’t numb anymore. Harry eventually sat up and opened his eyes.

Hearing the movement for the living room, Remus said goodbye and hung up the phone before bringing a bowl of cereal and a cup of coffee to the coffee table in front of Harry. Seeing Harry’s look of confusion, Remus spoke up.

“That was the rest of the family. They were wondering how you were doing and before you worry about them running over here, I told them that you were okay and that we need some time. I didn’t tell them anything but I told them when you are ready to be around others that we would go over there.” 

“Thank you.”

“Of course. And we will take today however you want. If you want to talk about anything you just tell me what you need from me. If you want to go play soccer then we can do that. You just let me know, does that sound alright?”

“Yeah,” Harry said quietly as he ate his cereal.

Harry and Remus sat in silence for a while until Harry finished his cereal and grabbed his mug of coffee before leaning back on the couch.

“Uncle Moony?”

“Yes?”

“I need to tell you what happened.”

“Okay.”

“Can I ask a favour though?”

“Of course. What do you need, Pup?”

“Please don’t talk until I’m done. I’m going to need you there when I tell the others and you’re the only one I can tell that will let me tell what happened from start to finish. Everyone else will interrupt and I just want to get through it once without questions. Is that okay?”

“Of course, Harry. And remember that I’ve been on your end of having to tell the story. I may not know what happened, but I know the stressful position you’re in for telling everyone.”

“Thank you. Can I ask a quick question first?”

“Go ahead.”

“What does my family know? I don’t really know what happened once Officer Moody and Officer Tonks brought me out of the school. I don’t know anything that was said to you all.”

“All we were told was that they found you in one of the washrooms. I promise that is all we know. And Harry?”

“Yeah?”

“Take your time. Don’t feel like you need to tell it perfectly, just say what you need to say. If you need to take a break then we can take a break. If you need a break to play soccer quietly then we can do that. Pause if you need to, I’m not going to say anything until you tell me you’re done.” Harry nodded and muttered a quick ‘thank you’ before the room fell silent. Harry thought quietly before deciding to start.

“I don’t even remember what time this all started. I don’t remember if I had lunch that day or if this happened after or before the lunch period.” Harry stopped. Did he have lunch? “I don’t even remember what classes happened that day...” Now Harry was confused. He knew that the time didn’t matter but he didn’t remember. Maybe he would ask after what time this happened at. “I remember that Ron, Hermione and I were talking in the hallway about talking that night about when we were going to meet up for the next day after school to study for exams. I guess that didn’t matter since exams got cancelled.” It just clicked for Harry that exams got cancelled. He didn’t take final exams? Weird. “Then Ron left because he had math class so I walked with Hermione to drop her off at her classroom because I was going to the library so I would use the washroom on the way back. I think Hermione had chemistry but I don’t remember.” Harry sat silently trying to think. He should know because he dropped her off at the class. He knew it wasn’t important but he couldn’t help but to think about it. “I think it was chemistry but I don’t know for sure. Anyways, after I dropped her off I went to the washroom and did my business before washing my hands. This… Um… This is when the announcement happened. The voice said we were in a lockdown and it wasn’t a drill. I just stood there at the sink for a second. It took me a moment, but I remembered what to do and I grabbed my bag and locked myself in the farthest stall and sat on the top of the toilet with my feet on the rims and my bag was on my lap. It was weird. I have had lockdown drills I think every year since I started school. And you wanna know what was funny? I have never once gotten caught in the washroom during a practice lockdown.” Harry just started laughing. It was funny, wasn’t it? “I remember that Ron got caught in a practice lockdown in the washroom in grade eight and Hermione got caught in the hall and ran into the washroom during a practice in grade 9. But every time there was a practice, I was always in the classroom.” Harry just kept laughing. He laughed for a couple of minutes before he slowly stopped. “I sat there and panicked a little bit and tried to remember what to do. I remembered that we should not go on our phones and we should make sure they are on silent so I put mine on silent and then put it in my backpack. I was a bit proud of myself for remembering to do that. Hermione actually texted our group chat so it’s a good thing my phone was off. I was only safe if I stayed silent. That’s what we do in a lockdown. If you stay silent, you should be okay.” Harry finished the last sip of his coffee before staring into the cup. He saw his uncle motion for more so Harry gave him his cup and waited for him to return. When he returned, Harry took a sip of his coffee before continuing the story. “I remember sitting there and remembering that we shouldn’t cover our ears. And then I remember thinking it was terrifying how quiet it was. The school was in a lockdown and there was no noise. I didn’t like it. If we are in a lockdown, it shouldn’t be as quiet as it is during a practice. The man should have pulled the fire alarm or something to make noise. It was too quiet and then-” Harry stopped. The bang came next. The sound of a gunshot came next. Where was the shooter when he did this and what did he shoot? No one got hurt so what did he shoot? Harry didn’t want to continue. He didn’t want to hear the bang again. Looking at his uncle, Harry continued talking. “Can we go kick a ball around?” When his uncle nodded, they both stood up and walked into the backyard.

It was peaceful outside. There were birds making noise and someone was mowing their grass. Harry grabbed the soccer ball and kicked it back and forth with his uncle for a while. At some point, Harry got hungry and asked his uncle if they could have some of the leftover pizza. With another nod from his uncle, they both went back inside and ate. After some time, Harry walked back over to the couch and sat down.

“I guess I should continue now,” Harry said. He was thankful his uncle wasn’t pushing him, this was a lot and he didn’t think he could do it all at once. “It was too quiet and then I heard a bang. I remember freezing and realizing that the lockdown reason was because there was a shooter in Hogwarts High School. I then remember starting to panic a lot. All that was standing between me and a shooter who was somewhere in the school was a little stall door if he went into the washroom. I remember being so scared and alone. I was alone and there was no one with me.” Harry looked up at his uncle. Harry knew that he was concerned and worried, but he was letting him take his time. Harry gave him a small smile before continuing. “So I started talking to my family. I asked mum what she would do and I imagined that she would say to take a deep breath and count to 10, so I did that. Then I asked Dad what he would do if he was with me and I guessed that he would hold my hand so I held my own hand because I was alone.” Harry grabbed his own hand just like he did when he was in the stall. It felt silly doing it now, but it’s what he did. “I talked to Uncle Padfoot next. I asked him what he would do if he were alone in this situation. I believed that he would tell me to think positive so I imagined that the police were going to walk into the bathroom at any moment and bring me out to see you guys. I talked to you next, Uncle Moony.” Harry paused at this. “I don’t want you to get mad at me for this, but I knew you would be honest with me if I ever asked a question. You have always told me the truth and not acted like I was a baby.” Harry took out the toilet paper from his pocket and held it in his hands. “I asked you the most honest thing I could because Uncle Padfoot’s positivity was not working. I asked you what you would do if you knew you were going to die but couldn’t talk to your family before.” Harry wiped his tears away and looked up to his uncle. His uncle was still looking at him, but there were more tears in his eyes and more pain in his face. Harry passed the message to his uncle to look at. “I believed that if you were in a position like that, you would write a letter. I thought those words were going to be what you guys were given by the police officers. I have it memorized. I’ve looked at it a lot since then. I didn’t think I would get to talk to any of you again so I wrote that I loved you all. Then I remembered that you would be honest, so I added that I was scared and that I loved you all.” Harry reached over and took the message from him before putting it back in his pocket. “I thought that would be the last thing you received from me. It’s kinda funny though, I can imagine mum and dad putting it in a frame and hanging it on the wall.” Harry laughed as his uncle gave him a little smile. It wasn’t a fake smile, but it was a small smile. “I wrote that because of you and it was something I needed to do. Then I talked to Ron and asked him what he would say to lighten the mood. I honestly didn’t have an answer, but I thought of a funny one that I liked. It made me smile which is what I needed. Do you want to know what I thought he would say? I’m sure you’ll laugh about it too.” When Remus nodded, Harry continued. “I thought that Ron would tell me not to eat anything because the shooter would hear and want me to share.” Both Harry and Remus laughed at this. They knew that Ron wouldn’t say that, but it was nice to think he would. “And lastly I asked Hermione what she would tell me to do to stop overthinking. I imagined that she would tell me to play soccer. I couldn’t do that, but I thought of soccer and when I would play next if I got out of there alive. I sat there for a long time. I don’t know how long but it was a long time. I remember thinking of it as a nightmare. I felt like I was trapped in a nightmare that wouldn’t end.” Harry stopped. He knew what happened next. He thought of it any time a door opened. The shooter walked in. The shooter walked in and Harry almost died. “I want to say that’s the end. I really want to say that was when Officer Moody and Officer Tonks came in, but it wasn’t.” Harry stopped again. He needed a break. He looked at the time and saw it was 5:30. “Can we get some supper?” When Remus nodded, they both stood up. “I know I shouldn’t apologize for stopping again, but I just want to pretend for a bit that that is where the story ends. I know it doesn’t and I’ll tell you after supper what happens, but I just want to pretend.”

“Okay,” Harry started as he sat back down on the couch after supper. “I remember sitting there thinking that I was stuck in a nightmare. At some point, I started digging my nails into my hands and biting my lip. I know that’s not really relevant, but it happened. I was sitting there just wanting to see you guys and Ron and Hermione. I don’t know how long it had been since the gunshot, but time passed. It could have been one minute or 20. I have no idea of the timeline. The bathroom door opened next.” Harry stopped and pulled out the message and put it on the table in front of him. He then pulled out the bullet and held it out on his hand. He watched as his uncle’s eyes widened and he looked back and forth between the bullet and Harry’s face. “I shouldn’t be alive, Uncle Moony. I should have died.” Harry stopped again and held the bullet in his hand and stared at it. “The door opened and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I thought of what Uncle Padfoot would do and I tried to think positive and think that it was the police.” Harry was in his own world at this point. He kept rolling the bullet between his fingers and continued talking. “It wasn’t the police. The shooter was in the bathroom. I was terrified and I was so happy I wrote a note. He talked to me, Uncle Moony. The man started talking and I hear him every night when I fall asleep. He said that if anyone was in the washroom that they should speak up. If they spoke up then he might spare them or he might not. If they didn’t speak up then he wouldn’t hesitate to kill them when he saw them. I thought at this point that I was going to die. I was going to die at age 15 in a school bathroom. I heard everything. I heard the man taking slow steps. I almost wanted to yell to just get it over with. He was walking slowly down the row of stalls. The man had a gun and all I had was a backpack and a thing of toilet paper. I heard him getting close and he was almost at my stall. He stopped at the one right before mine. Do you want to know why he stopped? He stopped because there was a sound in the hallway. There was a sound in the hallway and the man stopped. When I went to the police station yesterday, I wanted to ask if they knew what the sound was. It was a granola bar falling out of one of the police officer’s pockets. The man turned around and walked back to the bathroom door before shooting the spot in front of my stall and leaving. I was saved by a mistake and this was the bullet that was supposed to kill me. I should have died, Uncle Moony. I’ve spent the last month trying to figure out what happened and why I was still alive. It would have taken less than a second to check the last stall and the man didn’t do it.” Harry stopped and sucked in a breath. “I sat there for so long. I was so scared. At least 25 minutes passed before the door opened again and this time it was Officer Moody. He said that he was looking for me. I didn’t believe him though. I thought he was another shooter so I stayed quiet. He slid his badge under the stall door so I could see it and eventually I got off the toilet and opened the door. I picked up the bullet when I picked up the badge.” Harry sat in silence for a little while longer. He didn’t know what to say next. There was so much he wanted to say but also so little he wanted to say. “I should have died and I know I should be thankful I’m alive, but I’m literally only alive because of a mistake on a police officer’s part. If that accident didn’t happen then I would have been shot with this bullet instead of the floor. I was also only alive because I didn’t talk. I didn’t feel safe at home. I know I was with family, but I didn’t feel safe. Every time I closed my eyes I would see his feet. Every time a door opened, I thought it was the shooter. I just wanted to stay safe so I stayed silent. Then when you all told me that I could get my motorcycle license, I couldn’t help but think that riding a motorbike would be how I died since I got out of the school alive when I shouldn’t have. You can’t deny it, Uncle Moony. I should have died.” Harry looked at his uncle to see tears falling down his face and a sad smile on his lips. Harry sat there and waited for his uncle to say something before he realized he hadn’t told him he was done talking. “Oh! You can talk now, sorry.” Remus laughed a bit before pulling Harry in for a hug.

“I don’t know what to say, Harry. You know I will always tell you the truth even when you are talking for me.”

“Well, I mean was I wrong?”

“No,” Remus laughed while he wiped his tears, “No, you weren’t at all. I probably would have written a letter at well.”

“Do you think I am wrong?”

“About what, Harry?”

“Do you think I’m wrong about saying I should have been shot?” Remus sat quietly and thought about what to say. He was going to be honest but he needed a moment to think about how to say it.

“I think,” Remus started, “you are right. The dropping of a granola bar was not something that should have happened. If things went perfectly as the police planned and the granola bar didn’t fall to the ground, you would have been shot.”

“I’m glad you said that.”

“Why?”

“Because that means I’m not just overthinking and choosing to believe the worst thing.”

“It’s hard, isn’t it? It’s hard living through something that should have killed you.”

“It is. I’m sorry you had to go through what you did, but I’m kind of happy that you did so I could talk to you about it.”

“Believe it or not, I’m also happy I went through it so I could help you. Now, we have something we need to discuss.”

“What’s that?”

“How do you want to go about telling the rest of the family and Ron and Hermione?”

“Shit.”

“I know, believe me. I felt the same way.”

“Are you going to support me in whatever I decide?”

“As long as you tell them and you don’t lie, I’ll support you.”

“It’s 7:30 right now. Can I invite Ron and Hermione over and tell them tonight and then tell the family tomorrow afternoon?”

“Of course. May I ask why you don’t want to tell your parents first? I’m not judging, I told your mum before I told my parents.”

“I want one more night before I deal with my parents almost crying every time they look at me. Does that make me an awful son?”

“No,” Remus laughed. “I felt the same way. Why don’t you go invite them over and I’ll call your parents?”

“Sounds good, thanks, Uncle Moony.”

The Golden Trio (group chat)

( **Hermione** /  _ Ron  _ /  Harry )

7:30 pm:  Hey, guys. Can you come over to my uncles’ house?

7:31 pm:  _ Of course. I’ll be there in five minutes. Are you alright? _

7:31 pm:  **Of course. I’ll be right there. Is everything okay?**

7:32 pm:  I need to tell you guys what happened.

7:33 pm:  _ On my way. _

7:33 pm:  **I’m also on my way. And no offence, but will you be okay to write everything?**

7:34 pm:  I’m talking. I’ll explain everything when you get here. Uncle Moony is here too.

  
  


(  **Remus** /  _ Lily  _ )

“ _ Hello? _ ”

“ **Hey, Lil’s.** ”

“ _ Oh! Hey, Rem. How is it going? _ ”

“ **We are doing alright over here. I just wanted to let you all know that Harry and I will be over for lunch tomorrow and we will talk after.** ”

“ _ That sounds good. Will Harry be joining us after lunch? _ ”

“ **Lily, he will be the one talking.** ”

“ _... _ ”

“ **Lily?** ”

“ _ He’s talking again? Remus, please don’t be joking. _ ”

“ **I’m not kidding, I promise.** ”

“ _ He told you what happened? _ ”

“ **He did. I’m not going to tell you what he said though. I love you, Lily, but right now I’m needed as his uncle more so than your best friend.** ”

“ _ I know. Thank you for being with him. _ ”

“ **Of course. Do you remember how I told you about what happened before I told my parents?** ”

“ _ I do. Why? _ ”

“ **Harry wanted to tell Ron and Hermione tonight. I wanted to tell you because I didn’t want you to find out from someone else that they will know first.** ”

“ _ Does he need them more than us right now? _ ”

“ **Lily...** ”

“ _ I’m not asking so I can feel sorry for myself or call myself a bad parent. I’m honestly asking. Is this like when you would come to me because you needed a friend’s worry and love and not your parents’ at that moment? _ ”

“ **It is. When he was talking about his family to me, Ron and Hermione were a part of the family but he doesn’t want to tell you all at the same time. They are part of his family.** ”

“ _ They are good for him. Okay, well we will have lunch at noon tomorrow, you will both be here? _ ”

“ **We will both be there and we will both be talking. Try not to cry too much at the sound of hearing his voice again.** ”

“ _ Did you cry at the sound of his voice? _ ”

“ **I refuse to answer. Good night, Lily.** ”

“ _ You totally did. Goodnight, love. _ ”

The doorbell rang and Remus opened the door.

“Good evening Ron and Hermione. Are you both okay with sleeping in the living room? The couches are quite comfortable.”

“Hello, sir. We are good with sleeping on the couches. Thank you for letting us come over,” Hermione said.

“Please,” Remus said. “I am Remus, I’m not old like the Potters’.”

“Aren’t you the same age?” Ron questioned.

“Oh just go to the living room you two. I’ll bring some hot chocolate in,” Remus said waving his hand to the living room as Ron and Hermione walked off laughing.

“Hey, Harry. How are you doing?” Ron questioned as he entered the room.

“I’m okay, how are you both doing?”

“Bloody hell, man. I can’t believe how much I’ve missed your voice! I’m good.” Ron laughed hugging his friend before sitting on the couch.

“It’s nice to hear your voice, Harry,” Hermione said as she gave Harry a hug. “So, how bad is the story?”

“It’s a lot. You guys aren’t going to enjoy it.” Remus commented as he walked in with the cups of hot chocolate. “Harry, do you want me to stay here or would you like me to give you some space?”

“Could you be in the kitchen in case I need you or can’t continue?”

“Of course,” Remus said as he kissed Harry on the forehead. “Scream if you need me.”

“Um,” Harry started. “I know you want to hear the whole thing, but could I just give you the overview and then you can ask questions and I’ll answer? I’m sorry, I’m just so tired and-”

“Mate,” Ron said, putting his hand on Harry’s leg. “Of course. We don’t expect anything from you. Just tell us if you want to pass on any questions.” With a smile, Ron pulled his hand back and motioned for Harry to start.

“Okay, also there are tissues on the table for if you need them.”

“Is it that bad?” Hermione questioned.

“It’s not fun, that’s for sure,” Harry said. “Alright, I’ll start. Well, you both know I was caught in the washroom, right?” When both of his friends nodded their heads, he continued. “Okay, so I sat in the last stall on top of the toilet like you two would have done in a drill. I was sitting there for a while and then the first gunshot sounded and I realized the reason for the lockdown was because there was an active shooter. I sat there panicking for a while because I was alone while there was a shooter in the school. I started pretending to have conversations with my family in my head to get advice about what they would do. I mentally asked Uncle Moony what he would do if he knew he was going to die and wouldn’t see his family again. I believed that he would write something down so that’s what I did.” Harry pulled the message out of his pocket and passed it to his friends. He could see them tearing up but he ignored it and continued. “I wrote this message in case something happened to me. I knew that if I was able to, I would tell my family that I loved them one last time so that’s what I wrote and you guys are my family so I talked to you both after writing the letter.” Harry took the message back and put it on the table before taking some deep breaths. Ron and Hermione looked at each other before something clicked for Hermione.

“What else happened, Harry? That wasn’t the worst thing, was it?” Ron and Hermione watched their friend in horror as he shook his head and continued.

“The shooter came into the washroom. He was there and he was talking. He said that if anyone was in there and they spoke up that he might spare them but if someone was in there and they didn’t say anything and he found them that he wouldn’t hesitate to shoot them. I was in the farthest stall and I was too frozen to say anything. I watched his feet move closer and I heard his every breath. I honestly thought I was going to die. When he was at the stall before mine, there was a noise from the hallway and he stopped before turning around and walking back to the door.” Harry pulled the bullet out of his pocket and heard his friends gasp. “He shot this in front of the stall I was in before he walked out of the washroom. I shouldn’t have come out of the lockdown alive.” As soon as Harry finished, he was embraced in a group hug by his friends. They sat there and cried for a while until Ron pulled back and Hermione followed. Deciding to ask the first question, Ron spoke up.

“Why did you stop talking after the lockdown?”

“Staying quiet was the only thing that kept me safe. Whenever I close my eyes I see the man walking and whenever a door opens I think it’s the man. I guess it just stayed in my head that if I stayed silent that the man would stay away.”

“I’m so sorry, Harry. What happened to your hands and lips?” Hermione asked.

“At some point, I started biting my lip and digging my fingernails into my hands. I honestly didn’t even know it happened until some of my blood got on my message.”

“Why did you keep the bullet and message?”

“Nothing felt real to me since the lockdown. I’ve barely slept and I just felt numb. These were the only two things that reminded me that I wasn’t dead.”

“What do you mean by reminding you that you weren’t dead?”

“I felt dead. At one point, I was convinced I was actually dead but I hadn’t accepted it and that’s why I felt so numb.”

The group fell silent for a time while Ron and Hermione tried to make sense of what had happened.

“You...” Hermione started. “You would have died.”

“I know.”

“You are only alive because of a sound...”

“The sound was a mistake,” Harry said quietly. Before he could clarify what he meant, Hermione had slapped him in the arm and started ranting.

“Harry James Potter! You being alive is not a mistake! Ron and I would be lost if you died! It wasn’t-”

“Hermione!” Harry yelled back. “Let me clarify, you crazy woman! I mean that the sound was an actual mistake. I went to the police station to ask the officers if they knew what the sound was and it was one of the officer’s dropping their granola bar out of their pocket by accident. I literally meant that the sound was someone making a mistake that shouldn’t have happened.”

“Oh… Well, I’m sorry for hitting you then. I thought you meant that you wish the sound didn’t happen.”

“No, I’m glad it happened now. Earlier I was wishing it didn’t so I wouldn’t be struggling with all of this.”

“Hey,” Ron said. “I don’t mean to change the subject from you almost dying, but what did you talk to Hermione and I about when you were alone?”

“Ah,” Harry said with a small laugh. “I asked Hermione what she would tell me to do to stop overthinking because that’s something I would ask her at that moment. I believed that she would say I should play soccer. I couldn’t really do that though, so I thought of playing soccer.” Turning to Ron, Harry started laughing. “And Ron, please don’t be mad about what I asked you and the answer I came up with.”

“I won’t...”

“You are the one in this group that makes jokes and lightens the mood when things are tough, so I asked you what you would say or what advice you would give me in that moment to lighten the mood. I honestly couldn’t think of anything but I eventually came up with something. You wouldn’t say it, but I needed to believe that you would say something funny so I could be okay.”

“You made me say something stupid, didn’t you?”

“I did. I believed that you would tell me not to eat anything because the shooter would hear and he would want me to share,” the tree friends laughed hard while Harry continued through his laughter. “I needed to believe that someone thought there was a worse thing than being shot so I made you say that sharing my snack would be worse.”

Remus sat in the kitchen listening to the kids talk. It was nice to hear them talking like they would before the lockdown happened. Remus listened to the sound of his nephew’s laughter and he almost cried at the sound. He remembered when he had first laughed with Lily after what Greyback did to him. His first laugh sounded foreign to himself and it was weird but he felt a little bit lighter after that. He wished that Harry never had to go through what he did, but he knew that things were going to start getting better slowly. Remus said goodnight to the kids and went upstairs to leave them to it. Tomorrow was going to be hard trying to tell the rest of the family. Remus knew them and he knew that they would most likely interrupt a lot and not want to hear Harry say that he was supposed to die, but Harry needed to say it both for them and for himself.


	6. Chapter 6

The next morning, Remus made breakfast and after they had eaten, Ron and Hermione left and Harry and Remus sat on the couch waiting for noon to roll around.

“You’ll be with me when I tell them?”

“Of course, I’ll be right beside you.”

“How bad do you think the reactions will be?”

“I think your mum will do a lot of crying and interrupting, your dad will try to comfort her but not stop her interrupting, and Sirius will sit quietly and give you a giant hug when you’re done that might make you stop breathing until he remembers you need to breathe. I’ll be sitting right beside you and telling your mum to stop interrupting.”

“We could almost make a bet about that happening but I feel like this isn’t the right situation to make a bet.”

“You’re not wrong.”

“Hey, Uncle Moony?”

“Yes?”

“I know I’m starting to get better, but do you think we could continue having our quiet morning together? Would you be okay with that?”

“I would love nothing more, Pup. Our mornings is one of my favourite moments of the day.”

When Remus and Harry walked into the house, they were greeted immediately by the rest of the family.

“Oh, Harry,” Lily said, embracing her son in her arms. “I’ve missed you so much!”

“I’ve been gone for, like, less and three days?” Harry questioned while hugging his mum back.

“Well, I’ve been stuck with Sirius since then!”

“That’s a fair point,” Harry laughed as his dad pulled him into a hug.

“It’s good to hear your voice again, bud,” his dad greeted.

“If you heard it yesterday you wouldn’t have said that. I sounded like a smoker.”

“Well, I would have still enjoyed hearing your voice.”

“Thanks for giving me back my husband, Prongslet,” Sirius also said while he hugged Harry.

“You’re welcome, thanks for bothering my parents for me.”

“I’m always happy to do that. Anyways, let’s sit down for lunch.”

As the group sat and ate, tension slowly started to build in the room. The closer everyone got to finishing their meal, the sooner Harry would have to tell them what happened. Harry slowed his eating a bit, knowing that he needed to think about what to say. Remus, knowing what was going on in Harry’s mind, decided to bring the adults into the living room to wait for Harry to finish.

“Alright, let’s go wait in the living room so Harry can finish without us staring at him.” Motioning for his friends to leave the room, they did. Before Remus left the room, he leaned towards Harry and whispered in his ear. “They aren’t going to be mad. I’ll save a seat beside me for you to sit in. I’ll keep them from interrupting, you just tell the story. If you need me to take over just let me know.”

“Thanks, Uncle Moony. I just need a moment to gather myself.”

“I know, I understand. Are you planning on dragging the story out or starting right at the facts?”

“I don’t know yet.”

“That’s okay.” Leaving the kitchen, Remus set a tissue box on the coffee table and sat down by himself and waited for Harry to come in. When Harry walked in, he sat down right beside Remus and stared at his hands. The room remained quiet for a couple of minutes before Harry started talking.

“I shouldn’t have made it out of the lockdown alive.”

“Harry!” Lily exclaimed. “You can’t just say-”

“Lily,” Remus interrupted. “Let him talk.”

“He just said he shouldn’t have made it out alive, Remus!” James put his arm around his wife as she shouted at her best friend. “Why are you just letting him say that?” The tension in the room was suffocating. Sirius was sitting quietly and staring back and forth between his husband and godson, James was holding Lily as she looked livid and Remus had a serious and patient tone in his voice. Harry grabbed his uncle’s hand as Remus cut off Lily.

“I know what he said Lily and I promised him that I would only stop him if he lied to you all.”

“But-”

“Lily, Harry isn’t lying. Harry is trying to tell you the truth. If you stop and listen, Harry can tell you what happened.” With a tone of finality in his voice, Remus succeeded in getting Lily to stop talking. “You can continue, Harry.”

“Thanks, Uncle Moony,” Harry said quietly. Digging in his pocket, Harry pulled out the bullet and placed it on the coffee table in front of him. “The shooter came into the washroom. This should have been the bullet that killed me. The only reason he left the washroom was because he heard a noise in the hallway.”

“Did he see you and shoot at you?” Lily questioned.

“No. I was in the last stall and he stopped at the stall before me when he heard the noise. He turned around and went to leave. Before he left, he shot the ground in front of the stall I was in. If the noise happened even a second later, I should have been shot.”

“Harry...” Lily breathed out as tears were falling down her face.

“I remember sitting in the washroom and panicking because I didn’t know why we were in a lockdown but then I heard a gunshot and I knew what was happening. I felt alone and exposed because I had nothing to keep me safe. I decided to pretend you guys were with me and what you would say. I thought that mum would tell me to take a deep breath and count to ten so I did. I believed that if dad was with me that he would hold my hand. Uncle Padfoot would probably tell me to think positive so I tried to think that the police would be in at any moment to bring me to you guys.” Harry stopped and looked at Remus. “Can you tell them about what I asked you?”

“Of course,” Remus said. “Harry told me yesterday that he knew I would be honest with him at any given time. He knew this so he asked me what I would do if I knew I was going to die but wouldn’t be able to talk to my family one last time. The advice he thought I would give him was actually spot on. He believed that I would write a letter to say one last thing, so that’s what he did.”

“I didn’t know if I was going to make it out alive, but I knew that if I wasn’t that I would want to tell you all that I loved you and I was scared.” Harry pulled out the message and placed it on the table in between all of them. “I wrote that I loved you all and that I was scared. I thought these were the last words my family would receive from me.” Harry stared at his uncle and shrugged his shoulder, not knowing what else to say.

“Why don’t you tell them why you stayed silent?” Remus encouraged.

“I stayed quiet since then because that was all I could do to keep myself safe. Whenever I close my eyes I see the man walking closer to the stall I was in and every time a door opens I think it’s the shooter. I thought that maybe if I stayed silent, I would feel safer.”

“I’m so so sorry, my love,” Lily said as tears fell down her face. “Is there anything else you want to say before we ask any questions?”

As Harry started to shake his head, James, Lily and Sirius watched as Remus whispered something in Harry’s ear. Harry pulled back and shook his head as they engaged in a silent battle.

“Um, Prongslet? Moons?” Sirius questioned.

“It’s not something they need to know though,” Harry whispered loud enough for the others to hear but didn’t realize that they had heard.

“I know, pup. It’s not something that they need to know but you should tell them.”

“I really wish you didn’t have my best interest in mind right now.”

“I know, but I told you I’d always be honest with you.”

“I know, I just hate it right now.” Harry turned to look at the rest of his family and continued talking at a normal volume. “I’m really thankful for you all giving me permission for working on my motorbike licence, but I need a bit of time before I get on one.”

“Can we ask why?” James questioned.

“I’ve always wanted my license but thinking about getting on one scares me. I know I shouldn’t be, but I can’t help but think that if I get on one that I’ll end up dying on it because I somehow made it out of the lockdown. I know it probably sounds stupid but-”

“Harry,” Sirius interrupted. “It’s okay. Whenever you’re ready, you let me know. If you are never ready then that is okay. You went through a lot.”

“Oh...” Harry breathed out in a sigh of relief. “And you guys aren’t mad at me?”

“Why would we be mad at you, love?” Lily asked.

“I don’t know. For not telling you guys any of this until now or for telling Uncle Moony first or for telling Ron and Hermione before you?”

“None of us are mad,” James said with a smile on his face. “You were going through a lot. We were teenagers at one point as well. I always told my friends before my parents. And Remus has gone through things so he gave us the heads up that if you came to him that he wouldn’t tell us. It’s okay, Harry. We just want you to get better and you have the right to tell who you want and when you want to tell people. Whatever you need, we are here to help you.”

“Thank you,” Harry said with a smile on his face. “I really appreciate it.”

“We love you,” the group chorused as they all got up and squished Harry in a group hug. 

“Hey, mum?”

“Yes, love?”

“Can I take up on your offer earlier this summer for us to all play a game of soccer together? The weather is really nice today.”

“Of course! I can’t promise I’ll be any good, but I would love to play some soccer with my boys.”

The family spent the afternoon outside playing soccer and drinking lemonade. Harry was far from good, but he was getting better. His doctor prescribed him some sleeping medications until he got his sleeping under control. James and Lily found themselves telling Harry they love him more and hugging him more. Sirius and Harry started working on Sirius’ motorbike and eventually, Harry started learning how to drive. Remus and Harry continued their morning coffee and soccer dates while the rest of the family pretended to be oblivious to it. The family grew closer together and things got better for Harry. When school started again, Ron and Hermione made sure their class schedules always had one of them with Harry at all times (without Harry realizing it). Life got easier as days came and gone, but eventually, the family would be good and back to normal. Not all families are able to grow closer because of tragedies, but this family happened to be one of the families that could.


End file.
